c'est la vie

This last couple weeks as been edifying - if nothing else...

It started with a beautiful wedding. Nothing like seeing two people in love get married.

Next was the birthday. The kid turned three. She was thrilled it was her birthday. Thrilled to see her friends and thrilled to eat a cupcake. The happiness that beams from a child's face when everyone sings happy birthday" and then they get to blow out a candle - is true beauty. We had the party in the middle of the week at the aquarium. Lots of fun and no mess at home to clean up!

The birthday was followed by an announcement that I didn't get the job (aka a promotion) at work. I've known for a couple weeks - but haven't been able to say anything to anyone about it (except the hubby). Today, after the announcement, one of my co-workers came into my office and told me how upset his entire department was that I didn't get the job. That made me feel that I have been doing something right.

But I need to talk about the relief that hit me when I found out I didn't get it. The whole interview process made me really analyze why I am in this field: What kind of art inspires me: what gets me passionate: and what is really important. Whereas the job would have doubled my income (yup). I think I would have ultimately been miserable. I would have had to compromise my aesthetic. It would have been a true Faustian bargain.

I realized that I didn't get angry about not getting the job until a co-worker (female, 50+, no kids) said, "Well, you're still a new mom so its probably for the best." Losing a job to a middle-aged white man (the second time in two years I might add) and being the only female candidate (the job I applied for last year I was the only woman) and the youngest - has gotten my feminist ruffled. This woman thought she was making me feel better. It didn't.

Yes, I'm happy I wont have to spend 60 hours at work (as opposed to the 40+ I do now) and yea, we want to have another baby and the job probably would have been more difficult with that going on -- but because I am a mother should have nothing to do with it. And would she have said that to a man?

But this is a bigger issue. Why was I the only women (out of 5 people) interviewed for the job? I know they had a lot of applicants and then a list of 12, then 5, then the final three... And I believe (thought I haven't seen the list) that I was the only woman when it was narrowed to 12. Are there really no other qualified women? I find that INCREDIBLY hard to believe.