So, I have finally finished this book and I am, well, disappointed and yet exhilarated at the same time... how can this be? Before I get into the reasons for said disappointment, I need to say that the premise of the book is quite important and I completely understand and respect the value of such a treatise today.
The book talks about the dangers when women become financially dependent on their spouses by leaving the job pool to raise their children. I remember in high school, our next door neighbor left his wife for a younger woman. This wife had not worked in 15 years, had no job skills and was terrified. Yep - that is the fear. What do you do when your spouse leaves you or dies and you have no "current" or "marketable" skills, no money, etc. Or what happens if he loses his job? Our author quotes a lot of scary statistics - how hard it is for women to re-renter the work force after leaving even for a few years, how child support doesn't help cover costs; how ageist our society is about women; etc.
Although the author talks about interviews middle-class and lower-middle class families - the majority of her examples are upper class women with MBA from places like Princeton and Harvard who are married to successful lawyers, brokers, etc. This is where I have issue - and the main cause for my disappointment in this book. What about those of us in other professions? I am tired of the feminist movement targeting upper-class white women! I don't know anyone who isn't just scarping by - and I know professional women, waitresses, actors, doctors and teachers. And yes, I know a lot of women who have (in their late 30s/ early 40s) made the choice to stopped working to raise their children. Our author, a journalist, has the luxury (as do I - and it IS a luxury) of working from home and really creating her own hours. But a lot of women need to 9 to 5 it - so what of them? What of the families that need two incomes to just survive? I live in one of the most expensive places in the country - anywhere else we would have a five-bedroom home and all the latest amenities - and we're not wealthy AT ALL. We're comfortable - but I can't send my kid to a private school - or vacation at a lake house - like so may of the women sited in this book.
Back to the good of the book with some other interesting factoids: most women who give up their careers didn't really like them to begin with or were faced with a lot of stress/hostility perpetrated by their bosses and/or peers when they got pregnant; the way some men use the purse strings as a way of abusive control (we all saw the Joy Luck Club); women's ignorance about how hard it is to actually enter back in to the workplace after a absence of any length; empty nest syndrome; the depression that comes when the kids don't really "need" you hovering; the silence women feel they must keep when they LIKE their work and how women do not tout their own accomplishments because our society thinks women should be humble; success stories of women who did stay home but managed to keep a finger in the business world whether though volunteer work or other such things that made them still bankable upon their opting back in; the fact that we are living longer thus child-rearing is only a fraction of a woman's life span; how men with wives and families are viewed as "stable" employees but with women it is a liability.
It is in the latter chapters - if you don't get to frustrated with the sob stories of these wealthy ladies - that it gets interesting and accessible to all types of women. Statistic about working women and how they have less stress than stay-at-home Moms; the examples working/non-working sets for the children - if a mom can live off the father, why can't the kid?; statistics that children who go to day care are often brighter and more socially adept than children who do not and are just raised by stay-at-home moms; that working moms , on average, actually spend 2 hours MORE per week interacting with their children (in fact that statistic has increased for fathers too) than stay-at-home moms.
A chapter called Home Equity is about how women who work still do the majority of the housework. She sites examples that when men do help around the house it decreases stress for everyone. She discusses (I wish with more detail) the anger/frustration working women get when their partners do NOT help out. Another chapter talks about Men - how men want someone who is also the bread winner - someone who is an intellectual equal - and take the pressure off being the sole provider. But there are those men who want to have the wife dealing with the kids and household while they earn the $$$.
But perhaps the most frightening thing in this book is about how more and more women are getting Masters degrees, PHds, etc and then opting out and how this is effecting enrollment and admittence to major universities. If x% of the economics graduates are women - then why is x% of working economists women?. The idea of how women are conditioned to think about work as "jobs" and not "careers".
I admit that I just wanted something more from this book. I wanted to know HOW we can change the media coverage that makes women feel bad when they go back to work. This country has told women that if they have a baby-sitter they are bad moms; if they don't have food on the table waiting when everyone gets home from school that they have FAILED; if they don't keep a clean house, they're horrid. It's a load of bull that has been dished out. WHY? Is it the republican government and the Christian coalition that so permeated this country with old school 50s mentality of gender relationships. How can we change the working mom perception? Women are barraged with an enormous amount of guilt anyway - WHAT CAN WE DO TO STOP IT.
I love my work. I love to do what I do. And I LOVE my daughter and I would die for her and do anything for her. Why can't I be both? This books says I can - thank you Leslie Bennetts! But, our culture gives me the evil eye. What can I do to stop people from asking me, "what are you going to do about the baby?" How can I stop my grandmother from saying she thinks its wrong that I'm at work? How can I stopped be judged for being a mother?
Leslie Bennets wrote this interesting article when her book came out - its worth a read.
I am reading Perfect Madness by Judith Warner next.
3 comments:
WORD!
I actually found it incredibly comforting to talk to you after you had miss Sofia.
I have described you to other pregnant/mothering friends with a big smile on my face.
You are one of the mothering/working success stories.
It is reassuring to hear other people think what goes on in my head as well.
Now, with James out of work, this is becoming an issue for us. I could find something in the resturaunt industry or go back to the market, pretty easily. I wouldn't make quite as much as he, but I could try for higher positions. And even with him home and helping me with Emerald and Carson, I'm getting less done around the house and spending less time actually making eye contact with my kids. Of course my brain is going ka-put, and I can't retain thoughts and concepts well enopugh to even read the YaYa Sisterhood book. But I've been offered a chance to work for a "Leadership Group" in Gilroy, being an administrative (secretary) assistant. Which could be a great opportunity to make connections and learn about business. Which I could use for a home based venture someday. But all I can think is, "Geez, they all look like anchor women in the 80's. Do I want to be like that?"
I don't feel like I've lost any of my "power" by not working, but I'm in an industry where I can take years off and still know what I'm doing. I'm also kinda pushy, so I wouldn't let someone disregard me. And as for James, he's great with the kids, he's great with me, he's great about cleaning up what I tell him to. Not so good about seeing a mess and cleaning it up on his own, but he was a bachelor for way too long, what can ya do? I guess my point is...there are some women who can stay home without sacrifice, and there are some who shouldn't give up that empowerment. But I don't like anyone saying there is a black and white answer for the question. I'm going to work harder at being a stay at home Mama. And part of doing that is finding ways to not be at home so much. I think Sophia is one of the most well rounded kids in the group. She's sharp and careful and calm, and seems to have great self-esteem and confidence. I think she's ahead of Emerald on several levels, but I don't think Em is behind, just picking her moment. I have alot of issues that I feel could've been avoided with more parenting, my Mom had me in daycare at 3 months old. But I'm not sure of that, I could've been crazier if she'd stayed home with me. James had his Mom home until he was 12, and he's just as nuts as I. So who knows! I think the feeling that women who work are lesser mothers may stem from TV or way out dated concepts. Or maybe from a feeling that those who do stay home feel guilty for burdening their family with the financial responsibility and lash out at their working counterparts? Sometimes when both kids are napping and I'm killing chickens on my computer game, I feel like I'm doing something wrong, like playing "hookie" or something. Or when I recount our day to James, and it comes out sounding like all we did was hang out with our friends and play, that there is something inherently wrong with how I'm managing our time. Life isn't supposed to be light hearted. You are supposed to work for your achievements. Oooh, does that sound like republican mantra to you too? Okay, gotta go pay attention to my kids now...
There are two reasons people do things.
They do things because they actively desire something. Example 1: I want stimulating meaningful work in my life whether I have a kid or not. (Kiki, this is you!) Example 2: I want to stay home with my kids and groove on my community full time. I'll figure out the finances somehow. (That would be me!)
The other reason people do things is to avoid something that they fear. Example 1: I'm scared that if I stay home with my kids I'll lose my ability to make big bucks. Therefore I work. Example 2: I'm dying for lack of stimulating work but I'm afraid of what my mom will say if I go back to work. Therefore I stay home.
Whether we stay home or work, it is scary to say, "This is my choice, just because I want it." Finances are often cited as a reason to go back to work, but I think the discussion here is more targeted at those who actually do have somewhat of a financial choice.
The lack of my salary has certainly changed our finances, but I think of my financial role as more defensive than offensive. A great book about accumulating wealth is The Millionaire Next Door by Stanley and Danko. It's a little off topic, but in line with my philosophy of going for what I want. To feel secure as an at home mom, I try to manage our finances well, keep up my business contacts for the eventual day I go back to work, and do what I can to keep our marriage nice and healthy. And I also got my hubby & I life insurance, (which I recommend you all run out and do if you haven't.) Voila, I no longer fear that I might be in a situation where I am suddenly needing to earn big bucks.
I'm not being very humble here. And it's on purpose. Women (and men!) should strive to get what they want, not merely avoid what they are afraid of. The more we can support each other doing so, the more we close the gap between the working and the at home moms. Who knows, we may even be able to advocate for something that we all REALLY want, like better paying part time work. When I eventually go back to work (when my littlest one is in first grade probably) I think I'll be looking for something challenging that is still part-time. Those are a little tricky to find at the moment....
I am so tempted to talk about tangential things like how I believe that the rise in unhealthy processed food is an unfortunate side effect of the women's movement, brought about because there is no-one home to cook when both parents work full time. I'd love to say how the cultural distance from food preparation is in turn threatening the family meal as a special time together, and that when we lose our connection to our food, we start to lose touch with our bodies and our earth and ... in a few more steps you get global warming and an obesity epidemic and very very rich soul-less food manufacturing companies.
But I'll try not to get going on that topic too much. I'll suffice it to say that I believe shopping locally is very powerful and something actively positive I do.
Now back to the topic. I watched my mother go through the exact worst case situation described in the Feminine Mistake. She divorced at just about the worst moment in a state that had miserable alimony and she had been out of her career for twenty years. She had to go back to school and change (okay, reinvent and start from scratch) her financial plan. She went through some rough emotional stuff and rotten treatment from society, but she did survive it and is now working in a very prestigious job for the State Department negotiating international trade agreements. So, it can be done...
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