Prompt #1

Who's your favorite character from a book, play, film, or other work of art?

The first character that comes to mind is Elizabeth Bennett from P&P. I am sure she isn't my Favorite - but one among many. There are modern characters like Thursday Next who I totally enjoy. but she was the first one who came ot mind... so here we go.

What I like about her is her chutzpah. She doesn't get manipulated by "society" or buy "fashion" - she understands who she is and what the world around her is. She has an uncanny ability to figure people out - to see trouble on the rise. She is impatient with frivolity. And as much as her sisters (save Jane) annoy the hell out of her - she loves the unconditionally.

But she is exhibits both Pride and Prejudice and she is forced to recognize this. She does - with grace and humility. Her character goes on am amazing journey of self discovery through the novel (and as played by Jennifer Ehle in the BBC mini-series). When a character and see their true character - I find it refreshing. Austin does this in amy of her novels - Emma being a prime example. But with Elizabth - there is resistance. No one wants to see their own faults - it is a stong person who can look critically at their own self. It is perhaps soemthing I have learned from Miss B.

Elizabeth does not accept a marriage proposal. IT would be a lucritive match and help her family - but she says no (and is applauded by her father for doing so). Although women had no rights back then - she stood up for herslef and her own happiness. She would have been miserable in the marriage - her strength of character would have been beaten down. She marvels how her dear friend accepts Mr Collins and is able to create her own happiness within a marrige to a sniviling sycophant.

She stands up for herslef against the imposing figure of Lady DeBurg. And though she is prideful, she is not so far gone, or so stubborn, that she cannot see what is infront of her.

She is the type of heronie I like - flawed and strong willed. She holds true to her convictions and will no back down. But is is not afraid of admitting a mistake, of understanding that she perhaps does not have all the information. She grows up int he novel - for young lady to woman and that is simply marvelous.

26 more seconds... The BBC mini-series is the truest and best adaptation - I feel - for it allows the characters to breathe.

Feb blogging

Here are my rules:
1. Use the NaBloPoMO prompts every day.
2. Type for 15 minutes without editing or going back (timer will be set).
3. Spell check is the only tool to be used.

So get ready for some stream of consciousness craziness.

The theme for the month is character.

other resolutions

I think 2011 will be a personal improvement year. What do I mean by that?

Well...

there are certain things that could be better

uh oh another list is coming:

my work ethic - i am easily distracted and need to work on staying focused

cutting people off in conversations - I have a HORRIBLE habit of finishing people's sentences... it's truly an obnoxious trait that must be curbed

gossiping must end. Sometimes, yes, I initiate the "dishing" but a lot of the time I am pulled into it. and most of the time I just don't want to hear it. 95% of the time the gossip is being tossed my way to illicit judgment (that is an opinion of the gossip that is the same as the person's who is dishing it). So I will have to find some strategies to politely withdraw from the conversations.

I need to say "no" more. Yep.

I also need to be more vocal when I dislike something that is happening. Particularly in the house. I tend to bottle things up and get incredibly angry - this needs to stop.

I need to talk to my friends more and stop using facebook, emial and texting as my primary modes of communication.

THEN
I need educate myself about things:
finances, morgages, 401Ks, etc. We have these things, but we could be managing it all better.

I also want to take some more classes.. that would be fun...

Goals/Resolutions

Here they are:

1. One date a month with the husband. This date cannot be work related.

2. Eat healthy food. I really need to cut down on sugar intake.

3. Stop yelling. Yes, I yell too much at the kid and the dogs. I reserve the right to scream at people while I drive.

4. Be better with money.

5. Continue to be better to the environment.

6. Write. Really this should be number 1.

7. Learn to use the sewing machine. Really, I have never used one and the hubby got me one (per my request). I'm a bit terrified.

8. Make more books!

2010 resolution results

Here were my resolutions for 2010. How did I do?

1. Decrease my impact on the environment

Well, I bring my own bags into stores. I got a new car - a Hybrid. Have tried to buy mostly local produce and only the veggies and fruits in season.

2. Write

This one is the one I failed at most. With the start of Kindergarten, a couple long-lasting pity parties about my career, I seemed to have kept myself away from the thing I most want to do. heavy sigh.


3. Plant a garden (which is part of the backyard project that will probably take a decade to finish).
Bush Beans, squash, herbs (excellent basil), chard and lettuce! I was happy.



4. Exercise daily.

HAHAHAHAHAHA - did manage to hike a bit.


5. More quality time with the kid and husband.

Hopefully this is the reason why my lists (reading and viewing) is shorter than last year. The kid and I have hung out a lot - with many playdate and activities for her. Still need more time with the hubby - but we had two vacations - Hawaii (Oahu) and Disneyland.

end of year lists

I thought I would do more reading this year - but...

Here is the list of everything I read for the first time this year:

Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott
Lolita by Vladimir Navokov
American Bloomsbury by Susan Cheever
The Pilgrims Progress -part I by John Bunyan
April Witch by Majgull Axelsson
Catch 22 by Joseph Heller
Killing Monsters: Why Children Need Fantasy, Super Heroes and Make-Believe Violence by Gerard Jones
The Last Lecture by Randy Pauch
The Viewpoints Book by Anne Bogart
The Uses of Enchantment by Bruno Bettelheim
Nightlight - Harvard Lampoon
Sign of Four - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
A Study in Scarlet - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Shakespeare: A very short introduction by Germaine Greer
Northanger Abbey - Jane Austin
The Odyssey by Homer
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larrson
Atonement by Ian McEwan
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon
Stanislavsky: An Introduction by Jean Benedetti
Five Quarters of the Orange by Joanne Harris
The Stream of Life by Clarice Lispector
In Praise of Slowness: Challenging the Cult of speed by Carl Honore
Nourishing Traditions: The Cookbook that Challenges Politically Correct Nutrition and the Diet Dictocrats by Sally Fallon (ok - parts of it)
Anne of Green Gables by Lucy MaMaude Montgomery
Passionate Minds by David Bodanis

We read a lot of chapter books to the kid this year - including six in the IVY AND BEAN series and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.


On the film front, this year I discovered the joy that is Netflix Instant Play!

Movies 2010
District 9 (Blueray)
Monsters vs Aliens (blueray)
Volver (blueray)
Choke (HBO)
Shopgirl (DVD)
Cool Hand Luke (netflix instant play)
Inglourious Bastards (DVD)
Brothers (DVD)
Food, Inc (netflix instant play)
Sherlock Holmes (theatre)
Year of the Dog (DVD)
Away we go (blueray)
Inkheart (hbo)
Up in the air (blueray)
Men Who Stare at Goats (blueray)
Nine (animated/blueray)
Wolverine (HBO)
Midsummer Nights Dream (1999 version)
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (Hbo)
Ponyo (DVD)
La Ronde (DVD)
Twelfh night (DVD)
Fanny and Alexander (netflix instant play)
Julie and Julia (netflix instant play)
Clash of the Titans (blueray)
Tinkerbell and the Great Fairy Rescue (blueray)
Nine (blueray)
Toy Story 3 (theatre)
My Neighbor Totoro (DVD)
How to Train Your Dragon (blueray)
The Imagination of Dr. Parnassus (netflix instant play)
The virgin Spring (netflix instant play)
Tangled (theatre)
Hot Tub Time Machine (DVD)
Date Night (DVD)
The Swan Princess (Netflix)

With the netflix - I started watching "Battlestar Gallactica" and just an insane amount of cartoons with the kid.

Sugar

The child will no long be able to have a sugary treat prior to ballet. Nope. Never again.

worst day ever

my daughter proclaimed today was the worst day ever.
Here is her list:

1. mom didn't stay at school.
2. One friend sat with another friend and not with her. So their were tears.
3. One friend went thru the path in the trees first. She wanted go first. Tears and "M----- always gets to go first" begins. At which point M--- comes over and offers to let her go first. No more tears.
3. Swimming goes well - but a playdate after is not permitted becuase we have to go to the grocery store.
4. She cannot have candy or a Quarter for the machines at the store. She does however read the wrapper of a bag of Newman's Own organic cookies to her mother's satisfaction and gets the cookies.
5. The store doesn't have what we need so we have to go to another store.
6. The dogs get the pantry door open and eat all the powerbars.
7. She can't barter her way to more TV shows.
8. Mom sits on the edge of her bed and doesn't lay down with her to go to sleep.

getting a break

I am sick and tired of lip service.

As an artist, people give it to you constantly.

I am also tired of people who have the opportunity to help you - pushing their own agenda.

LISTEN to what we have to offer and maybe you will be interested and perhaps it is a BETTER idea than yours. You NEED artists to do what you want to do. We NEED your support. I'm all for working together - but I am not going to just throw away a project so that you can hob nob with notable people.

How about you help me do mine and then we'll do yours.

first sewing project

My kid wants to sew. I do not know how. I have never in my life used a sewing machine. But I found this American Girl kit - had the holes already in it. It is for an 8 year old - but I figured a 5 year old might be able to manage it.

It took us the better part of two hours - but here it is.

A Daisy

The kid has joined the Girl Scouts - it is a Daisy troupe. Daisy is before Brownie. It's a lot of fun. As a type A personality - I am trying to just step back and let her have a good time - and not try to lead it... trying...

Before the meeting we had a playdate. All of the dogs and ceramic dolls were photographed with the classroom's Curious George.

happy home

Puppy has home.

Daughter hosted playdate with only minimal sharing issues.

Girl scout meeting was held. Crafts were made. Pins were received.

Nap while kid watched a show.

Good day.

looking for a home

Hopefully tomorrow he will have a fabulous new home!

Guess what everyone is getting for the holidays?

Closet

It is time to let go of those clothes in the closet that I will never wear. Yep. It's time. I will never be 119 pounds again. I just have to deal with it.

Focus

I thought that writing this blog for a month would help focus my writing. But I feel just as scattered as ever.

Drat.

Politeness

I alwas thought it was not polite to read a book or watch television when visiting relatives. When I visit my mom- I use to do that... But it was my MOM - and it's like being at home. Now when I see her, I have the kid - so I am wrangling.

For 15 years I have gone with the spouse to see his folks. For the last 5 years I have "retired" for the evening when I put the kid to bed. But I never brought out my laptop or a book in daylight hours.

The last two times - I broke this politeness. And no one seemed to mind. I read a book and fiddled around on my computer. The in laws read too.

I had a lovely time.

But I still think I was being rude.

In-kaws

I am at the in-laws. This is the first time in YEARS we did not have ham for dinner.
I have been with the spouse for 15 years - and I can now count on two hands the number of times we did not have ham.

Vocation

We are friends with many "trust fund" babies. They never admit that they are. But it doesn't take long to figure it out. The business we are in is not lucrative. So when they take exotic vacations or buy flats outside a normal persons price range - ya just know.

Most of these friends are also childless (by choice). They seem to understand how hard it is to get a babysitter - but they see the baby sitter a the "help.". Keeping a good sitter is really hard - so you don't want to screw it up by staying out later than you estimated. It is hard to get these friends to understand that.

I have to admit that I am jealous of those folk with disposable income. I would love to travel. I would love to have the luxury of time to just ponder what I am going to work on next without the pressure to have something going on right this second.

When I get jealous I just look at the amazing creature that we made. I wouldn't trade being a mom for t he world.

Bus stalking

Today my five year old rode the school bus. I went to the campus to make sure she got on the bus. I'm glad I did. I watched as she walked up to her teacher to show her the bus pass. I watched the teacher and the bus driver compare lists and shake thee heads. So I walked over and said "yes he is getting on the bus." It was then that I realized I verbally told the teacher the day before, but did not personally write it on her check out chart. My bad.

But she got on the bus! Holding hands with a friend. Pretty darn cute.

I then followed the bus - curious about the number of stops but also making sure my child did not get off on the wrong stop.

At one point I lost the bus. So I went to the after school facility and waited. The totally ride time was 40 minutes. That a long time for kids - but she didn't seem to mind.

She had a blast and now I am lopkig forward to 6 hours to myself on weds!

Bravery

My daughter is trying so hard to sleep in her own bed. It is so hard. When she was born, the nurse said to me "you've got a cuddler... She is going to love being held'"
She wasn't kidding. My daughter has always been happiest in our arms "hold me" is her favorite phrase.
At 5 she can really use her words to express her feelings. She wants to fall asleep with me next to her - not across the room in a chair. I tell her - it will get easier. I tell her that she is brave.
And I think she is.
It hard to be alone in a dark room. She has a turtle tank in her room. Turtles are not quiet - the swimming and banging on the floating rocks plus the sound of the running water from the filter would drive me nut all night. But my kid can sleep through just about anything - its just getting to sleep that is the pain in the ass.

I know this is good for her. But it breaks my heart when she cries and just wants to be held.

receipts

My daughter got the same preset from two friends. It happens all the time. So I took the duplicate gift to K-Mart. I knew they carried it because I had seen it there. They would not take it even for store credit. It was ridiculous. I needed to produce a receipt. I would not have been too upset, but my daughter was with me so she could pick out the "replacement."

So we went to Toys R US. Same thing. They refused to take it. I just wanted to exchange it for something else! So now my daughter is in tears becuase she had her heart set on a new toy. I bought her something she wanted - a Pillow Pet - and she was thrilled.

When did all this "receipt" business start? The Toys R Us manager told me that I needed to ask my friends for the receipt. I told him that was completely uncouth. He said, "You always get a gift receipt when you buys something here. They should have given it to you." He also suggested I get their Rewards (whatever they call it) Card number and they can look it up and see if indeed they had bought it there.

I don't know if they got it there. IT WAS A GIFT. Like I'm gonna call my friends and see... really..

So I will now be re-gifting this fantastic thing. And I will make sure to always give a gift receipt.

Technology

Oh my - I was covetting the iPad today. Do I really need it? No. Do I really want one? I think yes.

But I do have a worry. I let my daughter use my iPhone occasionally to play a game (I have a few for her). Usually I hand it to her in the car if we have or horrible traffic or the ride I more than 30 minutes. Lately, she asks to play on my phone all the time.
We created this problem. My husband and I are on our phones all the time. Checking email, facebook and yes playing games. I am currently addicted to "words with friends" a scrabble type game.

We were so bad that we had out phones at the dinner table. So rule #2 on our house rules list is - no phones at the table.

I admit to my technology addiction.
I worry what I am modeling to my child.

What would happen if got the bigger toy?

Could I possibly set some healthy user boundaries?

I'm just not sure.

And I am typing this on my iPhone while my daughter falls asleep...

Sleep

We subscribed the the family bed idea. Well I did - I think the husband just went along with it because I wanted to. For the last several years the kid has gone to bed in her own bed but crawls into ours between midnight and 3am.

She is 5 now and we decided that she needs to stay in her bed all night. The other sleep problem is that one of us would lay down with her until she fell asleep. If it was me, I would often fall asleep too and there goes those precious few hours alone with the spouse or a good book.

We have had some success the last two nights. The husband and I played tag team in getting her to sleep on her own (one of us is sitting in the rocking chair in her room). But tonight I was on my own. She started to have a tantrum and began to weep. She begged me to lay down with her and said that this whole process was "not fair to kids.". I asked her if Bernard would help and she said maybe.

Bernard is a stuffed animal. A Saint Bernard dog. It is the only toy I still have from my childhood. I got the ragged filthy dog off te shelf in my room - he is missing his nose and his leg is taped up. I handed him to my daughter. She took him in her arms and stopped crying. Within 5 minutes she was asleep. Bernard got me through a lot as a kid. He protected me from all the bad things in the world and all the things that go bump in the night.

I think my daughter felt his mojo.

Social networking

Yep I am going to write about Facebook. But not a full rant - I'll save that for later.

Yes - I use it.

I post adorable pictures of my darling child and fur children

I brag about shows opening.

I post, what I consider to be, interesting news articles. I never shove them down peoples throats.

I hit the "like" button a lot. I make comments on friends status and enjoy their photos.

I wish people happy birthday.

I do not tell people what a "great time I had" at any given party. Why? Well, usually not everyone is invited to functions and I don't want other "friends" feeling bad.

I don't use it to make numerous dates and let people know where I am "physically"

I find it a little like high school to do those things. Really, do I need to let everyone know how popular I am bragging about how many places I have been invited to?

Toes

I have never broken a bone in all my 3+ decades on this planet. Today - I think I broke my toe.

My sister broker her arms (not at the same time). In both instances she was on the "monkey bars" on the school play structure. I remember this structure well. It was made of wood - had multiple levels. The monkey bars were metal. I clearly remember running down the wooden stairs in hot pursuit of a friend. I held on the the wood railing as I ran and felt excruciating pain as over 20 slivers of wood went into my palm. I was sent to the school nurse who told me she was not "allowed" to remove them - she just bandaged my hand and sent me back to class. My mom had to pull them out when she got home from work. She was so livid at the school. I think it was the first time I ever heard her muttering angry words under her breath.

So today at my daughter's school - I watched them put in a new structure for the kindergartners. It has monkey bars. But the whole thing is mental and plastic. At my elementary school - tanbark was the filler of choice. Here - a nice plastic-like foamy ground so you don't get hurt onto concrete.

beautiful architecture

We went to the USS Arizona Memorial. Thought it was a beautiful and tasteful tribute.

lists

Christopher Moore, the author of Lamb, one of my favorite books, commented on his Facebook that "bloggers:making lists is not writing."
and yet another favorite author Umberto Eco says, "We like lists because we don't want to die." Eco just came out with a book about Lists.

I love lists. I love lists of words. I wrote a play many moons ago, where I would list would write a word and then two more similar ones that seemed to push it forward. It's like searching for an action in theatre.

Your action could be "to educate", but if you look up a list of words like educate - you get to enlighten, to nurture, to cultivate, to counsel -- each maintains the idea of "to educate" but shift the nuance. In theatre we are always looking for the high stakes verb to play. To educate - great starting point but general. To enlighten - stronger and more direct.

art in my house

This is in the living room. It is signed - but who knows if Dali really signed it. It's a print given to me and my hubby by my sister and her ex-husband.

















My kid is terrified of "skeleton bones", and yet this does not bother her. She has even tried to draw it... not bad for a five year old. I think the skeleton bone fear came from a Disney movie... drat!








The husband gave me this. It's a giclee print. It was in my office at work, and now my office at home. I love it. I love this period of Picasso and I think Dora Maar is amazing.













In the rest of the house we have various actual paintings, prints and mixed media that we have acquired at benefit auctions for non-profit theatres. But, in my bedroom is a 3X4 painting of my wedding bouquet. An amazing artist named Dorothy Annette was doing "studies in white" and asked to borrow it (this was after I told her my mother had saved my bouquet and it had dried beautifully). When she lost her studio, she gave me the painting on loan, until she could find another studio. I enjoy it every day and awake to its beauty. (forgive the dim lit picture - the kid is asleep in my room - pain fumes in hers -see previous post - but the picture doesn't do the painting justice.)

color

Today I started to prep my 5 year old daughter's room for a new paint treatment.

When I was pregnant with her, the husband and I decided a gender neutral palate would be best (even though we knew we were having a girl). So the carpet we chose was (and is) sage green. The walls were a soft yellow from the floor to about five feet, then a border, then a warm white. The border was classic Winnie-the-Pooh.

I had made a very firm rule with my family - no pink for my kid. A rule I enforced with my mother but didn't have the heart to enforce with my mother-in-law after she had knitted one of the most beautiful receiving blankets I have ever seen. The blanket was pink. My mother-in-law also got her adorable (pink) clothes.

My mom somehow understood the double standard, after grilling me about the pictures starting to surface of my newborn in pink.

The husband discovered that our baby looks terrific in salmon and many shades of green. He has exquisite taste in clothing for her. I love it when he shops.

When she was a babe, I dressed her in pants and jeans. When she learned to talk, she started to want dresses and skirts.

When I started taking her shopping so she could pick out her own clothes - she would go straight for the pink and purple.

Now she is 5. She has developed her own tastes. She loves Fancy Nancy. She wants to learn French. She has begun kindergarten. The "nursery" now needs to change. So I let her pick the colors of her room. She requested two colors - pink and purple - on alternating walls. So "One Enchanted Evening" a light purple will be on two walls and "Enchanted Princess" a light pink will be on the other two.

I will no longer fight this. I have a girly-girl who will play in a dirt-pile in a frilly dress and enjoy it! And yes, that dress was light green.

Late night art

The question that came to mind today - is it beneficial for an artist to have their work displayed in a restaurant or coffee shop?

lasting

About seven years ago, I got it in my head that I would make furniture. Outdoor furniture - do some woodworking. The desire was great.

A mentor told me that all us theatre people have this need for the tangible. The art we create exists in a moment. There is no way to save it. Pictures don't do it justice. Filmed versions of theatrical experiences are always strange to watch. Theatre is about the moment, the immediate connection with the audience. It lasts for a certain period of time and then is no more.

Perhaps this is why drawing has gotten me excited. Perhaps this is why I want to start creating book art (not scrapbooking). I guess I am interested in creating something that will out live me.

Something that lasts.

Drawing

I have joined an adult drawing class. We meet once a week for two hours. It is one of those "anyone can draw" kind of classes - so no one can feel bad if they have never drawn before. I used to draw - well, copy really. Cartoon characters, etc. I really never drew anything from my own imagination. Nor have I been able to do a "quick sketch" of something.

My daughter wants me to draw for her all the time - especially at restaurants where you can draw on the paper tablecloth. So I would like to not make a total fool of myself - thus the class.

Unfortunately I have not been able to draw every day - just the two hours in class. Like going to the gym - if you don't work those muscles they just get flabby. Oh for a few more hours in the day.

I will post some pictures soon. When the class resumes in October we are tackling still life...

What is my favorite work of art?

Last month, I went to the DeYoung's exhibit The Birth of Impressionism - treasures of the Musee d'Orsay (closing this weekend) and discovered a new painting by Claude Monet called The Magpie. I was madly enamored with it. The stark white - the lone bird sitting on top of a fence which could be a musical scale. When I lived in England, I was told that if you see one magpie, it is warning you of danger. Two meant joy. I used the magpie as the costume for Puck in Midsummer when I had to design it in college. But don't remember ever seeing this painting.

I remember being 20 and wandering around Paris, I spent a lot of time in the d'Orsay and the Louvre. I was a poor college student, eating mostly bread and cheese so I could afford to see the sites and visit the museums. I bought two posters there. A Renoir called The Seine at Asnières - The Skiff and a Monet. The Renoir was a gift to my older sister, who framed the poster and hung it in her house. 15 years later, it is still in her house. The Monet, I had framed and it hung in my apartment and then my office. One night 10 years ago, our offices were burglarized, cash was stolen and so was my framed Monet poster. Of all the bizarre things to take!

I don't think of the Impressionists much anymore. Like the Pre-Raphaelites, the Impressionists were my favorite in college. Now I am drawn to the Kandinsky, Picasso and Braque. But going to the DeYoung and seeing all these paintings again, 15 years later, make me remember why I loved them in the first place - the colors, the changing qualities of light, the brush strokes...
I'm looking forward to the second part of the exhibition. To re-discover some of these works and find more...
I did spend about 15 minutes just staring at Whistler's mother. You can see the color in her cheeks... I also didn't remember this painting. I was very confused at first and thought she was holding a light bulb, but then realized it was a mirror. It's called Truth by Jules Joseph Lefebvre. The painting is a bit larger than life size. It started the exhibit along with William Bouguereau's Birth of Venus.

Big fall

I went roller skating tonight. It was a birthday party . It was very fun

until

I fell

hard

on my knees and elbow

I got up and started skating again

about an hour more

then I crouched down to get my purse and had te most

agonizing pain go thru my knee

I am home now

ice on my knee

it sucks getting old..

Big

Two days ago I thought I was teaching a class with 280 student. Now it is 380...
that is BIG

if I didn't have a computer

So I called this investment company today to create an IRA (finally) and roll over some $$ I had sitting in an account.

It was easy to do - becuase I had a computer. The fella on the phone said, "okay. Let's log in to your account and I'll walk you thru it."

I laughed and said, "I fine it interesting that you assume I am sitting at a computer and that I have multiple lines in my home that allow me to talk to you and use the internet,"

He laughed.

But there was no hesitation on his part - didn't ask if I was near a computer. So basically I did the whole thing myself.

But what if I didn't have a computer? Or if I was doing an experiment, like my friend, who is living without Internet for a year?

A stranger

Today was my daughters ballet class. Earlier this year we started a routine of getting a "treat" prior to class. There are 90 minutes between her pre-school pick up times and the start of ballet. It's not enough time to go home, so we go out - usually for frozen yogurt. But today I wanted to see if this certain store had bookcases. I knew there was a starbucks nearby - so starbucks it was.

The kid got some over-priced fruit and an over-priced over-sugared cupcake. They were playing some fun music and my girl started showing off her moves - including some ballet. This incredibly attractive woman sitting near us overheard me telling Sophia to practice her arabesques and asks me if she was taking ballet. I said yes. We got to talking.

ThIs woman is 65. She was a trained ballerina in Canada. She joined a company in Washington D.C. Got married and stayed. She taught Disco in San Francisco. She now has two grandchildren and enjoys them. She seemed incredibly content with her life. She's now retired.

She was in the coffee shop to read her book (the one about Tolstoy).

She really left an impression. Her zen-like ease and pleasing countenance had a calming influence on me. It made me remember to breathe and enjoy the moments. Perhaps at 65, I too can just chill with a good book and not feel guilty I am not doing something more productive.

Forgive any typos - I am blogging ony iPhone while the kid falls asleep

e-mail strangeness

I want to begin by stating that I do send "informal" e-mails to friends and family. Let me explain my definition of "informal" -- perhaps an example is best:

Hey - wanna grab coffee today. Lemme know

or

did the package arrive?

I do start group e-mails to my friends with a 'Hi all" - just so they know it is to MANY people (god forbid people reply all and say something horrible by accident).

I try very hard to follow this example (except with the husband):

Dear (or some kind of greeting) Name,

Content content Content

All the best,
my name


BUT - I always thought a formal e-mail should be written like a letter. A formal e-mail is one to someone you have never met, a boss, a potential business contact or a professional acquaintance. It is the e-mail you send to a business.. etc

I have been inundated by e-mail from students who want to Crash my class. many of them cannot be bothered to address the e-mail to me.
Just a 'Hey I want to take your class but it's full. Can you give me a permission code."
No salutation or greeting and in some cases not even a closing or signature.
Just an order.

They were able to track down my e-mail, they couldn't address the letter to me?

And these are people who WANT something from me. And most of these are college SENIORS who will be graduating in just a few short months. Can you imagine if they send an e-mail like that to a potential employer?

When did we loose civility? Are we not teaching etiquette anymore?

But since this is world where some people think it is appropriate to mention their vaginal cyst in their Facebook status (really this happened) - I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Beautiful stranger

My daughter has very eccletic taste when it comes to music. My husand made her a "mash up" CD that we both keep in our cars. Madonna's Beautiful Stranger is on the CD. She knows all the words and sings it loudly. She also has songs from the curious George and Hairspray soundtracks. She also knows which other CDs we each have in our respective car. Bowie and Cheryl Crowe in mine and Bare Naked Ladies in her dads. She sometimes asks for songs by name. It's pretty damn cute.

I find that when I listen to songs of my youth (70s/80s) I am so flabbergasted by what they mean. I was a big Duran Duran fan (seriously what girl wasn't?) back in the day and I was oblivious to all the sexual innuendo in the songs. Blondie'a lyrics and The Police too surpirse me... I realized that I had no clue what the songs I sang by heart were really about.

And that is okay.

I laughed out loud when the kid wanted to hear "mother" on the Synchronisity album the other day.

stranger in my own city

I am freaking out about kindergarten. The kid goes this fall and I just don't know what to do. Where should she go?

I realized that I have allowed myself to remain a stranger in this city/county I live in.

I have never really bothered to memorize street names. Of course, I know fun spots and how to get places. I know where to find things I need.

But at times I feel I don't know anything about this place I call home.

In chatting with my dear friend today about the kindergarten dilemma, I said, "I guess I never thought we would still be living here at this point." That just came out. My city girl prejudices are sitting right there at the forefront of my mind causing me to think that this small town school that my kid will go to isn't good enough for her.

Have I ever been to the school? Nope. I need to get over myself. It's got a great ranking and people I respect seem to love it.

I have been holding on (or carrying) this notion of - I don't know what.

I feel a bit displaced. Maybe it was the trip to SD that got me a little discombobulated... hmmm

Stranger in a familiar land

A great many things have happened in the last two months.

I have a never ending fascination with nature vs. nurture and how environment shapes the individual. For five weeks I was in SD. I had lived in SD for over a decade (with a mini-stint in LA that we hardly ever discuss). We moved away from there 5 1/2 years ago (it took a good year to finally leave). But now I was back to do some work.

I have lots of friends and business associates there. People I adore. And its not like this was my first time back. I have done five other gigs there of similar lengths of time.

But this time was different. I made an interesting discovery about myself. I have been heavily influenced by my current environment. Since moving to my little mountain/beach community I have:
1. grown much more environmentally aware
2. really looked at the role of media as it impacts my life and that of my child.
3. become increasingly concerned about the food we eat


Now is it the environment or the people that I am hanging our with? The group of women here that I call my friends are not in the same business as I am. Our original commonality was the fact that we all had kids the same age - but in many cases our friendships have grown beyond that and the fact that our kids can play together is now a bonus and not the reason to hang out.

But what happened in SD?
The new folks I was working with were all under 30 and childless -- and their feeling about the environment and the world are very different.
My friends (most of whom have kids) lead a very different lifestyle - from showing PG rated movies to 2 year olds and eating food that list chemicals as the first ingredient.
No one could tell me where I could find a farmers market.

I am not judging- I've let my kid see non-age appropriate stuff (the simpsons) and fed her enriched hot dog buns . But I wondered if I would be doing the same thing if I had stayed there?

I laugh that I vowed to never get "crunchy" - and yet here I am - composting, taking my own cup into coffee houses as to not use a paper one.

My trip was at times incredibly familiar and at other times completely disorientating.

I missed SD a lot, which did surprised me. I missed the landscape, the accessibility of "things" and mostly, my friends.

Age

I am working on a new show. It is a "coming of age" play. So the cast is relatively younger than I - one by 20 years - but on average about 11 years younger. There is, however, a "mom" character and she is a few years older than me. And yes - we tend to gravitate to each other.

It is interesting how many times age has come up as a topic. I have been particularly sensitive to it and I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out why.

1. I started using wrinkle cream becuase I see the lines around my mouth and I look like my great-grandmother.

2. I am at a crazy point in my career where I could make a 360/180 or 90 degree turn.

3. I am 3 years from 40 and freaking out.

4. I guess I do have a career, but I still feel like I have been invited to the party and it will end up being a practical joke.

5. I get tired faster.

6. The 20somethings in my cast don't get a lot of my literary or pop-culture references.

7. I am still living pay-check to pay-check.

8. i don't know what I want to be when I grow up... and I think I need to decide quick

and the list goes on...

travel

I was in my car for a good 9 hours yesterday as I drove down the California coast in the middle of a major storm. Driving in the rain, hydroplaning and almost getting rear-ended by a giant truck puts a lot of things in perspective.

First of all, why in the frickin hell did I agree to do this show? Why did I agree to leave my home for five weeks? What am I trying to prove?

I must say that the play I am working on is lovely - everyone is lovely.

I am just 500 miles from home. I have to uproot my child for three weeks and bring her here with me. The husband has to be overly stressed becuase he has to single dad it for two weeks (one on either end of the five).

So the question is: is all this worth it? Is the traveling, free-lancing thing going to be what I do or do I just need to make sure I only work locally? Do I need to change my vocation? Next year when the kid is in kindergarten it is going to be harder to just pull her out to come with me to do a gig. I miss her terribly and I have only been gone for 32 hours.

The last time I did this it was easier. I was paid more so I was able to hire a Nanny the whole time. Perhaps I just need to set my price tag a bit higher so that I can afford to have some of the things I need and not rely (really impose) on the kindness of family and friends to help me thru it.

I should just break even doing this show. So financially it is not really worth it. But, the question is - did I say "yes" becuase I am terrified of not getting asked again? Or did I say "yes" becuase I really want to do the show (which is lovely but does not alter the way theatre is done.) or becuase I am just a masochist.

On the bright side, I am back in my old haunts and will get to see a lot of friends. But, isn't that what vacations are for?

2009 recap part II

I forgot to put a little "*" next to the books I loved... so check it out again. In some cases I was quite surprised.

And a notes about the movies - I think it is interesting in what format I see the films. If it is a DVD or Blueray that means it was in the Netflix Queue. If it says HBO/or Cable - I watched it on TV (and in some cases not letterboxed). I am utterly fascinated as to what I spent $$$ on - aka seeing it in the theatre...

taking ones own advise

I am doing an exercise that I assign my students on the first day of class. It is a list of 28 questions. I got the list from one of my favorite artists when I trained with her company. I haven't done the list myself in about 5 years and I gotta tell ya, it is frickin hard. The point is to open yourself up to the what is important to you NOW in this moment in time. They are silly questions but quite illuminating. I am stuck on many of them. I thought it would take me a half hour - but it is now up to 90 minutes to answer the questions...
hopefully this will focus me...

too many ideas swirling about...

Resolutions

This year I only have FIVE:

1. Decrease my impact on the environment
2. Write
3. Plant a garden (which is part of the backyard project that will probably take a decade to finish).
4. Exercise daily.
5. More quality time with the kid and husband.

2009 Recap

Yet again I kept track of all the books I read and all the movies I saw.
I did not track Theatre or TV, perhaps this year I will add those things...
Please note: I started teaching a class on Disney in 2009.

Books 2009
Picasso: Creator and Destroyer by arianna huffington
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - Vol. I & II by Alan Moore & Kevin O'Neill
Horse Heaven* by Jane Smiley
When You are Engulfed By Flames by David Sedaris
Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
Moby Dick* by Herman Melville
Watchmen* by Alan Moore
Team Rodent by Carl Hiassin
Foucault's Pendulum* by Umberto Eco
Disney Version by Richard Schickel
The Illusion of Life by Frank Thomas and Ollie Johnston
Before the Animation Begins by John Canemaker
Disney Discourse by Eric Smoodin
The Magic Kingdom by Steven Watts
The Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller
Snow* by Orhan Pamuk
Negotiating with the Dead* by Margaret Atwood
The Disneyization of Society by Alan Bryman
Good girls and wicked witches by Amy Davis
From Mouse to Mermaid Edited by Elizabeth Bell
The Mouse that Roared by Henry A. Giroux
Inkheart by Cornelia Funke
An Actor Prepares by Constantin Stanislavski
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz* by L. Frank Baum
The Iliad* by Homer Robert Fagles translation
Wesley the Owl: The Remarkable Love Story of an Owl and His Girl by Stacey O'Brien
Three steps on the Ladder of Writing* by Helen Cixous
The Four Quartets by TS Eliot
Little Women* by Louisa May Alcott
When Nietzsche Wept* by Irvin Yalom
Laying Ghosts to Rest: Dilemmas of the Transformation in South Africa by Mamphela Ramphele
And Then, You Act* by Anne Bogart
No Impact Man: The Adventures of a Guilty Liberal Who Attempts to Aave the Planet and the Discoveries He Makes About Himself and Our Way of Life in the Process by Colin Beavan
Walden* by Henry David Thoreau
The Girl with the Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier

Movies 2009 (lists films I saw for the first time this year)
Rosemary's Baby* (HBO)
Cyrano* (great performances PBS)
Broadback Mountain (DVD)
27 dresses (HBO)
Love in the time of Cholera* (DVD)
The Dark Knight Rerurns (DVD)
Pinocchio* (DVD)
Enchanted (DVD)
Hercules (Disney version VHS)
Little Mermaid II: Return to the sea (DVD)
High School Musical (DVD)
Bottle Shock (DVD)
The Elephant Man (Cable)
Appaloosa (blueray)
Star Trek* (theatre - the new one)
Religilois (DVD)
Milk* (Blueray)
Taking Chance (HBO)
The Reader* (blueray)
Spirited away* (DVD)
Up* (theatre)
Underworld II (DVD)
GhostTown (DVD)
Underworld: rise of the lycans (blueray)
Synecdoche New York* (DVD)
Lion King 1 1/2 (DVD)
Onmioji (DVD)
Revolutionary Road (blueray)
The Visitor (DVD)
Mamma Mia (HBO)
Perfume, the Story of a Murderer* (DVD)
Watchman (Blueray) --- I did read the graphic novel prior to seeing the movie
Princess Mononoke * (DVD)
Coraline *(Blueray)
Angles and Demons (DVD)
Tropic Thunder (HBO)
The Wrestler* (Blueray)
Tinkerbell and the Lost Treasure (DVD)
In My Country (DVD)
Amandla! A revolution in four part harmony (DVD)
Slum dog Milionaire* (HBO)
21up South Africa (DVD)
The Kite Runner (HBO)
Repo! The Genetic Opera (Blueray)
The Princess and the Frog (theatre)
Little Mermaid III: Ariel's beginning (TV - Disney Channel of course)
Cinderella II (DVD)
Wild strawberries* (DVD)
Avatar* (in the theatre! In 3D)

thanks part 2

Just becuase thanksgiving is over, doesn't mean we can't still give thanks...

today I am most thankful for kindness. It is a knowing glace from a friend who knows the hell you've been through. It's the morsel of chocolate handed to you without any words. It is holding the door open.

I am also thankful for my husband. I gave a presentation to a group of graduating college seniors. One woman asked me how I balanced career and family. I said it was hard and talked about all the career issues I have dealt with since become a mom. But then I said, "Without a solid committed partner, I could not do what I do."
Love that man of mine.

thanks

I have an amazing family. Wonderful and loyal friends. Two dogs that would do anything for us.

But I am also thankful for:

orange seeds

the space heater in my office

the down comforter that my husband had before I met him that keeps us beyond cozy on cold nights

green beans (because after 35 years I actually like them and the kid will eat them too)

the bedtime ritual for the kid

the mountain hikes I am minutes away from

resolution check in

Here were my new years resolutions. How have I been doing... hmmmm....


Finish the two big writing projects that I have on my desk. One got done, still working on the other - one and 1/2 months to go.

Eat better, feed the family better food. This is going well. Better choices. expanding the repertoire.

make a fantastic cake. I conquered butter cream frosting, fondant, but not the actual cake - but I baked bread!

exercise (of course...) hahahahahahah okay I am walking more

walk the dogs more doing better here

Take a vacation with the husband and the kid this did happen, but husband had to work a lot and I worked too. we suck. maybe the holidays will be better.

have at least one DATE a month with the husband - that does NOT involve an opening night or theatre or work FAIL

Spend more time with Friends doing better here

Use the telescope with the kid once. but now that it is dark at 5...

the backyard (nothing more needs to be said) - 1/2 done.

the kitchen (paint those cabinets and the walls) - guess what is going on the list for next year!

be better about money and really get a handle on the cash flow - out of credit card debt!

No more new TV Shows TiVoed!!!!! Big fail. Got addicted to a couple new things...damn the magic box

Less TV... less TV... less TV... more books - think the reading list will be better this year

the voice from above

Call from agent.

"What plays are you writing?"

I describe them.

"The 5 women one - comedy?"

Yes, but quirky, my reply.

"Send it to me ASAP. You're on my mind. I want to get you produced. ______ is looking for comedies."

Thanksgiving okay?

"Get it done."

Yes, ma'am.


Guess I know what I'm working on. Love those subtle kicks in the tuckus.

Juices

Hey there creative juices - where in the hell have you been the last 9 months? I loose my job in Feb... and have been waiting for you to arrive... I have done everything to get you to come play with me. And NOW you pay me a visit. I'm so pleased and honored to have you all here with me - but did all of you have to come at once?

I don't know which one of you to pay attention to first. I know I can't give you all the one-on-one time you deserve right now.

But, I promise that I will work with each of you - but ya gotta be patient.

One at a time kids.

Now, get in an orderly line in my brain and help me elect who goes first.

writing

A friend of mine is giving up the internet for a year.

I know.

Think about the implications of that.

But, then in dawned on me. 15 years ago, I lived in a different country with no computer and no cell phone. I had a scheduled time when I would go to a pay phone, call my parents collect, they would refuse the charges and then they would call me back. Depending on the name I used, they knew which public phone to call me back on. I would chat with them for about 20 minutes and that was it.

I became an avid letter writer. My mom, my friends, my grandparents, would all receive letters. One of my dearest friends would write to me every day, but only mail once a week. I did the same with her. The weekly deliciously large envelops were thrilling to receive. Like a Jane Austin heroine, I would take my mail, run to my room, lock the door and devour the read. We both used these yellow tablets that would fit beautifully (without having to fold) into a 6X9 envelop.

I had a ritual of sitting at my desk every night to compose a letter. I carried a notepad in my bag to record any silly thing that would happen during the day.

I still have all the letters my friend wrote me. My grandmother saved all the letters I sent her.

I kept a journal too. Since I didn't have a computer, it was hand written on school purchased notepads. I wrote incredibly small to save paper (I knew I would end up bringing these home with me).

I don't remember longing for more information. I don't remember ever feeling out of touch with anyone.

Now I spend so much time reading the "news feed" on facebook or playing inane games. It's a huge time suck.

picture

When I got home yesterday after thinking about family and I got a letter.
Grandma sent me a picture of her bald head. The chemotherapy has made her loose it. So I called her. She actually sounds great. HAs no appetite. So I told her, like a good granddaughter should, pot will cure that - it gives ya the munchies. She just laughed.
My uncle is there with her (and my grandpa) and he shaved his head too! Nice.

Family

I had a conversation with one of the maintenance guys today. He tends to check on our building when I have office hours.
We talked about Halloween and kids. He has a 4 month old grandson which he gets to watch 3-4 times a week. His face lit up when he talked about the time with the child.

I wish my family was closer.

The relationship I have with my grandparents is amazing. I want my daughter to have the same... but there is a minimum 2 hour drive to see any of them (and that's my sisters). My mom - in another state. Husbands parents - 4 hours away.

That family network would be nice...

people are strange

I wonder if in this day and age of blogging, of being able to "post a comment" on a news story and vent ones opinion is changing the way we talk to each other.

Two interesting things happened yesterday.

A student came into my office and said, 'I don't know what I should be learning from this class." After some discussion, it seems that he wasn't getting anything out of listening to other people's writing projects. He wasn't able to discern the good writing from the mediocre. I watched him that day and he only perked up and payed attention when his theatre friends read their projects. Ahh, the problem. He feels superior to people in the class... And what does it mean that students can't learn from each other? That they can't listen...

The second things happened after the show last night. I talked to a very nice man, playwright and director (probably in his 60s) who was from the same country in which the play is set. Nice comments, wanted me to use the chair playing space more... but other than that fine. The next guy, called to me by name (first name). Did I know him, no. He demanded to know why a character did what he did int he show - he felt there needed to be more urgency. Thanks, says I, and then I leave to do some notes. But the guys is still waiting for me. He has other "plausibility" issues with the play. His enthusiasm bordered on hostility with me (come to find out he asked the house manger where he could fine him, aka, the director, and demonstrated a great deal of shock at my gender). At one point he asked me "Is that what is happening inside the actor?" I said, "that's a question for the actor." Then in a high pitched shocked "j'accuse" voice he said, "but YOU"RE the director.". I said, "Yes I am, and that is what the actor and I discussed." And which point I was saved by a staff member.

The guy was still talking with his "date" outside the theatre when I left. I used the side door.

The man never introduced himself to me. Nor did he say anything positive about his experience (his pay-what-you-will expereince).

It made me remember another incident a few years ago, when, in a discussion with an audience, I said "my job is to just stay out of the way of the talent." It was a flip response, got a laugh as people knew that I was joking. But a patron wrote a letter to the artistic director telling him to come in and save my show becuase of that comment (my show was a huge success and the AD stayed the hell out of my way).

But what give people the right to just accost me (and I did feel accosted by this man) or any artist? I understand the need to express yourself and I am thrilled when I create art that can do just that. But the hostility? There is no place for that. Sure I have pissed many people off and have had numerous discussions - but always in a post-show format. I don't mind hostility (or is it passion) when it is in a safe venue to discuss it... but in the lobby after the show... what the hell is that about? And to lack all social skills, like an introduction?

What a roller coaster I have been on. People take things so literally. And those negative encounters tend to stick with you more than the positive ones.

I also had a women say she loved the show (the one going on now) and asked if I directed a certain show last season. Upon hearing that I had, she decided I was her new favorite director.

Guess which one I will remember more?

wow

A student just walked by my office and then doubled back.

She said I was inspiring becuase I am doing what she wants to do. and now she knows its possible.

That made my day.

inspired

Okay
So all it takes are two kicks in my ass on the same day to remind me why I like what I do.

1. A crazy honor being bestowed on me that reminds me that I have a great career
2. And interview where I discussed why what I do is important.

serendipity

Fate is bizarre.

Today I had dinner with an old friend who worked with me on a show 10 years ago as a dramaturg and then acted in the same show (updated) four years ago. The play was a show I had adapted from a book. Today, my book club met and we talked about that book.

When I adapted the book - there were many similarities between it (a classic from the early 1800s) and what was happening in technology today. Both times I did the show, huge medical advances were being made and publicized while the rehearsal process was underway -- all of which was woven into the show... I knew I was working on the right show.

Haven't had that feeling of knowing I was working on the right project in a long time.

first day

One of my friends recently went to be with her sister when her sister gave birth to her first child. It made me remember how my sister was in the room when I gave birth to my daughter. Just my husband and my sister. It is incredibly amazing how my daughter is completely enamored with my sis. She misses my sister and wants to see her all the time.

My daughter has been asking me to tell her stories of my childhood. I instantly tell stories of being at my grandparents in the summer. We had a family reunion a couple weeks ago and I did an oral history of my grandmother - it was incredibly fascinating. She reminded me that they (she and grandpa) used to watch me. Tales of me sleeping with them and keeping them up all night - I wouldn't sleep alone (just like my kid). My grandmother was with my mom when I was born. My dad? Well, he was in the Navy and it was during the Vietnam conflict, so I didn't meet him until I was almost 1.

Mom almost had me in the hallway at the hospital. My grandmother, who was a nurse and helped start pediatric wards, told the doctors that I was on my way and they chose to ignore her. So she started coaching my mom. When the doctor walked by - he realized he better get my mom in a room - and here I came.

So grandma and mom where the first voices I heard when I came into this world.

Those first voices are important and lasting. New studies have been popping up about how a child comes into the world. I am glad those two women where there when I got here. I am elated my sister and my husband welcomed my daughter with me. And I am thrilled for my friend for the bond she now has with her nephew.

haunted by the blank page

The blank page is terrifying. I have been reading some playwriting texts lately for a class I am teaching and I find it really amusing that a couple of these authors say that fear of the blank page is bullshit - that you should just be able to write. And if you write everyday it shouldn't be a problem.

Well, I disagree.

The blank page does offers an endless number of possibilities. But to fill it with just the right thing can be daunting. I don't like to write without a purpose. The fear of the page should be respected becuase it means that you don't want to just spew crap - that you take the art form seriously.

So fear of the blank page should be respected. It is natural.

How to get over it?
One of the techniques I have given my students is to think about what is important to them and write about that. Easier said than done. So, I give them a list of 28 questions that I got from a theatre practitioner that I respect... questions like:
What are the three most important issues facing the world today?
to
What are five flavors that give you pleasure to taste. (There is nothing like an ode to chocolate to inspire).

That seems to help.

Today I should follow my own advice and answer those questions myself.

haunted by wine

ahhhhh

Haunted

Today was a good day, but I didn't think it would be.

I had a rough go yesterday - tough rehearsal, feeling like a lousy artist & crappy mom.
I was also incredibly angry about everything - not a pity party so much as just anger at the universe. Perhaps a little pms (but I do so hate blaming hormones)

I am starting to realize that I am a little haunted by my past artistic life. I look at all these amazing pictures of the art I created prior to 2006. There was some amazing work - visual poetry on stage. Explorations into form and content. It wasn't easy to achieve that - but I had a dedicated group backing me up and occasionally fighting with me - but in a good way. Yes there was heart ache, yes there were times I really hated it but I had artistic freedom. We could try and do anything. It was encouraged. We could be adventurous. We could fail and it was okay.

I don't have it anymore - that kind of freedom. Really. I am working for others now - other artistic visions, adhering to other company missions. The assignments I have been given have all been main stream & realistic. Of course, I enjoy the work I do - the collaboration of it all - a new group of amazing artists - but I am not doing what I do best. I am not breaking form - in fact I am just perpetuating the type of theatre I used to challenge/deconstruct/etc.

Do I feel like a sell out? Occasionally, yes, I think I do. How do I justify it then, well - the work is intellectually satisfying. II have been given shows that "say" things - important things about the world we live in. It is not aesthetically pleasing, but at least I am still making people think. Its provocative.

So what do I do?

Hmmm.

There's the rub.

bravery

On Monday I had to assign my students scenes for their final. I asked them if they wanted to pick and they all said "no - you pick for us"

So I did.

To one pair I assigned the opening scene of a play about a woman who has lost her child. In the scene she is folding the boys cloths to send them off to the Salvation Army. Her sister is in the scene and needs to tell her she is pregnant.

My student, who is probably in her late 30s, came up to me and said, 'I lost my son three years ago." I immediately offered to change the script. She wanted to read the play anyway.

I sent her and her scene partner another script right after class.

I received an e-mail from her today saying that she wants to do the scene. She gets it and wants to do it.

That is bravery right there.

while the hubby is away

The husband gone for the week. He travels a lot, so we're used to it.

The kid and I fall into a bit of a different routine. It's not totally different from our regular routine. I will probably get her out of the house anywhere from 15mintues to 1/2 an hour earlier than I do when the spouse is home. Her pre-school is 20 minutes away. We pay for her to be there from 7:30am-1pm. We get her there usually at 9... But, when the husband isn't home, I like to take advantage of the 90 minutes. So, we'll leave the house around 8, instead of 8:30.

I also plan more activities. Perhaps it is just me not wanting to be just stuck in the house without another parent, but there will be more playdates and activities.

While the husband is away, we miss him terribly. But the re-entry is always tough - especially when he's gone for more than a couple days. As he likes to point out, I act as if he is in my way. And he's right. I'll get into a pattern and there is a little annoyance (which is not completely hidden) when that is interrupted.

books and bed

The bedtime routine with my daughter has altered lately.

At 7:30 she goes to Kiki's boutique to "buy" her Pjs. Yes, she gets her purse and fake money. Then she sees 'The fashion guru" aka the husband to show off the outfit.

The fashion guru takes her to brush her teeth, go potty, feed her fish, pick out three books for mommy to read, and mark the day off the calendar.

I read the books to her and together we turn off the light (leaving the fish tank on until I go to bed).

I then lay with her until she goes to sleep. A process that can take 15-45 minutes. A process that sometimes makes me fall asleep too.

Bet ya don't have to think to hard about the part I need to change.

calendar

My daughter and I have a routine at bedtime. We cross a day off the calendar.

Last night, she wanted to look at all the months coming up.

When we got to December, I said, "And there's mommy's birthday and then the fairies come and the Christmas."

And her little voice said, 'And then we die."

I stopped, looked at her and said, "Why do you think that?"

"There are no more days."

"Oh honey, in December we'll get another calendar that has the next year on it."

"Oh"

Wow.

librarys

Just spent an hour with a friend looking at her library. Amazing collections of books that need to be organized. Fun.

So why do we organize our books? why are certain titles okay for the livign room and others relegated to the bedroom?

I have fiction in the living room. Older books under glass. Non-fiction is all in my home office. I will admit that the home office library is very anal. I have a theatre section, a film section, a feminist section, history, religion, philosphy and science.
I have books based on certain research projects huddled together. It makes sense to me...

I have started organizing my daughter's library. She's four. Every three days or so, I put everything back. That way she (and I) can find what we're looking for.

Maybe I have just found a good outlet for my OCD.

take 2

Okay let's try NaBloPoMo again.

After I was off to a decent, okay five posts, start last month. everything seemed to hit the fan.

My sister got diagnosed with Guillain-Barre syndrome. A month later and she is doing better, still on the road to recovery, which will take some time. I am quite proud of her. She is working her ass off in physical therapy. I took her to her neuroligist on Monday and watch them basically shock her nerves to see if there was any improvement - and there was... Yippee...

Then the plague hit. Husband first, then child, then me. I got out of bed all of 2 hours and even then was barely conscience.

Then giving a final.

Then a TA who couldn't get her shit together to get me the 75 grades she was responsible for.

Then the e-mails from students who were not happy with their grades.

And all the while trying (in vain) to work on a script...

Oye...

Let's hope the theme ROUTINE is better than Heros... Although there are still many heros I wanted to talk about... perhaps I will just talk about their routine.

#5

Orderlies.

I got to the hospital today to see my sister. When I walked into the room, my mom and my older sister were changing the bed. Okay. Why? Because that is how they are.

The orderly walked into the room, a bit perplexed to find his job almost completed. He was quite amused at the site of these two women helping and the one woman (me) standing off to the side, least I get underfoot.

But it made me think... being an orderly has got to be incredibly difficult. One: They have horrific messes to clean up (with all kinds of bodily fluids involved). Two: They do have to deal with crazy families, like mine, under various stages of anxiety. Three: They have to deal with the hierarchy of hospitals (drs., etc).
I wonder if they have the weird hours...

#4

Yep two posts today - last night I got side tracked with a vomiting child and a sister in the hospital. Child doing better. Sister is not.

But I'm not in the mood to go into that. Maybe later.

Today's heroes are my dogs. They just know when everyone is sick, stressed, etc.. and are just the best.

#3 farmers

Today my heroes are farmers. I just bought 1/2 a cow. Yep - COW. I went to Morris Grass Fed and bought a heck of a lot of meat. I did not go out to meet the cow last month when we were invited for a tour - just didn't have the time, but I will next year.
So I picked up the cow (already butchered and put into convenient labeled portions) and drive it home and toss it in the freezer.

A women who was waiting with me said how great it was to get beef that was grass fed and organic. But most of all, to support local farmers.

So here's to local organic framers! And some incredibly yummy cow...

Actors

Today my heroes are actors.

Yes, actors.

But I don't want to write about their "process" or the art that they create - which can transport you to another place/time; give meaning to the unspeakable; inspire social change; uncover desires; and provoke you....

I want to write about the act of courage actors make every time they walk into an audition.

I sit on the other side of the table. When I am casting, I want everyone walking thru the door to be the right person for the job. I want to have many choices and I want everyone to be fabulous. I WANT to have a hard time making the final decision. Every audition is an opportunity to learn something new about the actor and the play. There are many of my counterparts who do not feel that way. They feel that the person coming through the door will only serve to show them what they don't want. They can be ungracious and downright rude to actors.

To walk into a room and give an audition requires bravery. Actors have no idea what the director wants to see, mainly because most of the time the director is learning the play as well and they don't know what they want to see. They don't know what happened in the room before they walked in (the rendition of 'Part of your world," five Bastard speeches, a spilt coffee, a nervous artistic director pushing their own agenda) - well, unless they eavesdrop - but that only adds to the pressure. Sure, there are ideas about how to "plan" your audition- textbooks that tell actors to make sure they audition at the end, so they are the last person the director sees, or first thing so they can set the bar and be on the director's mind all day. Those things don't work. Really.

Most auditions are cold reading. The actors reads it as they prepared it at home. Then the director either says, "thanks" and they're done -- which usually means "you don't get the role" OR the director will give them direction and have them do it again.

A lot of directors don't know how to talk to actors (i am sometimes guilty of this as well) and so the actor must try to decipher the director's intentions, ramblings, etc and make a bold choice during their next pass. First they have to get over the "yippee, they want me to try it again" jitters. And they may only get one more pass...

The actor will be asked to jump thru hoops in the 5 - 15 minutes he/she is in the room. Every actor hoop imaginable.

The actor may be doing all this with 2-10 people in the room. In some circumstances, the actor might not even know who the director is until they have done the first pass. God forbid the mistake the director for an intern (this has happened to me).

There is usually a reader, someone the actor has never met, that they now must play off of... if the reader is good, they play off of the actor. If the reader is bad - they give the actor nothing...

Everything is out there. They are asked to expose their core being and leave it open for introspection until the director is done examining it.

That is how you get a part.

Actors must also leave the world outside. If auditions are running 10, 15, 30 minutes late (and sometimes an hour) - the second they show their displeasure, they could loose the job. They have to be patient. Expect nothing and give everything.

It's a tough job.

It takes courage.

Hero defined

The NaBloPoMo theme this month is Heroes. So, in my quest to write more, and more often, I am accepting the challenge to write every day this month.

Hero definitions:
From Merriam-Webster
1 a: a mythological or legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability
b: an illustrious warrior
c: a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities
d: one that shows great courage
2 a: the principal male character in a literary or dramatic work
b: the central figure in an event, period, or movement

or from Dictionary.com

1. a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
2. a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal: He was a local hero when he saved the drowning child.
3. the principal male character in a story, play, film, etc.
4. Classical Mythology. a. a being of godlike prowess and beneficence who often came to be honored as a divinity.
b. (in the Homeric period) a warrior-chieftain of special strength, courage, or ability.
c. (in later antiquity) an immortal being; demigod.
5. hero sandwich.
6. the bread or roll used in making a hero sandwich


Today I have a group of heroes... my friends. Yep, I'm going to lump them together for today. Friends perform "heroic acts" -namely, in my case, dealing with my many neurosis. I recognize that I am sometimes a narcissistic talk-aholic with a propensity to interrupt others. Why my friends choose to deal with this - I may never know. But their act of kindness in dealing with me must be deemed Heroic.

I am also a classic flake. I tend to say , "sure I'll do that" and then I flake out at the last minute. I've been trying to get better about this (particularly now that I have a kid and she remembers when I say we're going to do something). But, sometimes I just wanna stay home (so antithetical to being a Sagittarius). The good thing, is that most of my friends, like to hang out...

I am a middle child and thus, Switzerland on many hot button topics. As I also work with actors and write, I do try to see things from various points of view, thus occasionally loosing my own in the process... this could lead to me giving contradictory statements (and advice).

My friends are heroes because without judgment they accept me for who I am. They call me on my shit (yep you do) and know that I will still love them after wards. They push me and challenge me. They have high expectations but also remind me that everyone is human and sometimes its okay to flake, sleep, and just not get something done.

But most importantly, all of my friends (and I am talking about my handful of friends not the "friends/acquaintances" on facebook) - are role models. They inspire me with their words and deeds. They constantly remind me how unique we all are and how utterly fascinating people can be. By the simple act of listening, they perform an amazing heroic deed - allowing people to be human.

There is more to say about the heroism of friends, but I have a whole month to cover it...

And as two of my friends have joined me on a diet today - we will not talk about the HERO as sandwich definition. No bread. That is what friends can do for each other...

that damn muse

First I must say, I have been more inspired to write this week than I have been for the last couple months. It is just really annoying that my best ideas seem to be hitting when I am in the car driving somewhere without the ability to just pull over and jot it down.

I just finished SNOW by Orhan Pamuk and now I'm re-reading Atwood's NEGOTIATING WITH THE DEAD... so the idea of a "writing life" has been walking with me.

REPRIEVED!

At the end of Three Penny Opera - mac sings "Reprieved" when he is let off the hook for all his crimes...

Today I went back to my old work since my hubby is designing the next show there - to have dinner with said husband and child. I got the scoop on all the stuff that has been going down.

I felt my blood pressure rise just hearing some of the stuff... and I thought "reprieved!" Think Raul Julia singing that word loudly with joy (and an accent on the ed to make it three syllables).

Yep - so so glad I'm gone. And the little carrot - not looking good to me at all. Nope, not in any way, shape or form...

My entire drive there I was thinking of all the things I should be doing and working on... and I think the last piece of me that was freaking out about not being officially attached to a actual organization has gone the way of the dodo...

ahh big sigh...

joy

is watching Freya disembowel the stuffed dragon she got for her birthday...

change

Sometimes change is not good.

Since I started teaching this quarter, we had to adjust the kid's dat care. So instead of going to pre-school 8:30-1pm five days a week - she was going 8:30am-1pm on MWF and noon-5:30 on TTHU. Well, the Tuesday/Thursday drop offs were at lunchtime. And the 9 times we did it, 6 times she had to be pulled off my body and once off of the husband's (resulting in two very emotionally wrecked parents going to teach). One would think we would learn our lesson after the first week- but we thought shes adjust. NOPE.

She would, however, have a great time playing on TTHU and hated to leave school when we picked her up. After lunch they would play outside for a 1/2 hour and then head back in for naptime. My kid doesn't nap. And she HATES resting.

But we decided that although our child is a rock star when it comes to being flexible, it was just too hard on everyone (especially her). When I told her teachers, they agreed.

So now our favorite babysitter is watching her on campus in the husband's/my office while I teach my class... and she is so much happier... and so am I.

where the heck is my brain?

I have been very very lazy about writing.

My brain has been at worK;
The class I am teaching has kicked my ass. In the analysis of my stress, I realize that i have been treating every lecture like a performance. Uh, not a good idea. I am a good lecturer. I just need to get over my damn self. I am also trying to pack WAY to much info into a lower division course. I need to take a frickin' chill pill...

But something interesting happened during the lecture yesterday. i was trying to point out what FANTASIA (yes the Disney film) is important. It is innovative. I found myself realizing that I want to blend new forms in my work and that Disney also faced an uphill battle with the press about accepting new conventions...

My brain has been in my uterus:
Why am I not getting preggers? I had a very expensive consult with a doctor in NY and now I have this overwhelming list of tests that need to be performed... I remember the days when I was so paranoid I'd get knocked up...
If we can get down to the root of the problem - I will be happy. Unexplained infertility is NOT an answer. So off I go to get proded...

My brain has been with my daughter:
Pure joy. Now if I can just get her away from the tv...

being led by one nostril

I popped into my old work on Monday. I am doing a contract from them this fall and i wanted to get more information about it.

And basically they were feeling me out about coming back... in a lesser position... but it would be less hours and less responsibility... and less money. It was not an offer. And there were many "well, if everything goes as planned with the budget." Yeah. I believe I have heard that song and dance before...

I said I would entertain the idea.

But, I'm not thinking about it now.

Nope.

Not.

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great little house

In the past week, we have had many new visitors to our house. The husband and I go through various periods of house envy... buyer's remorse... etc. Lately, we have just been depressed that the house is too small and that we will not be able to move for at least 5 years in this economy...

The first wave of visitors was family. Husband's family who have BIG home, high income jobs, and impeccable taste. They loved our place.

Today a friend came by to snag some river rock from my yard (we're starting a new landscaping process). He thought the house was a "great little house."

You know what, it is.

rains and pours

I started teaching this week... technically it is part time (given the pay) but it is a job.

For the last two months it has been incredibly hard to be motivated to do anything - really.
I have been prepping for the class, reading books, etc. But now that the actual teaching has begun - I want to write. Which is what I SHOULD have been doing for the two months I was unemployed...

I wrote a little in that window. But didn't come near to completing any project.

Heavy sigh...

Okay. Tomorrow's lecture is short since I get to show film after film after short film.... yes!
Friday is about the play.

I have a deadline of giving a friend a new draft on Monday - so i need to kick my own ass...