thanks

I have an amazing family. Wonderful and loyal friends. Two dogs that would do anything for us.

But I am also thankful for:

orange seeds

the space heater in my office

the down comforter that my husband had before I met him that keeps us beyond cozy on cold nights

green beans (because after 35 years I actually like them and the kid will eat them too)

the bedtime ritual for the kid

the mountain hikes I am minutes away from

resolution check in

Here were my new years resolutions. How have I been doing... hmmmm....


Finish the two big writing projects that I have on my desk. One got done, still working on the other - one and 1/2 months to go.

Eat better, feed the family better food. This is going well. Better choices. expanding the repertoire.

make a fantastic cake. I conquered butter cream frosting, fondant, but not the actual cake - but I baked bread!

exercise (of course...) hahahahahahah okay I am walking more

walk the dogs more doing better here

Take a vacation with the husband and the kid this did happen, but husband had to work a lot and I worked too. we suck. maybe the holidays will be better.

have at least one DATE a month with the husband - that does NOT involve an opening night or theatre or work FAIL

Spend more time with Friends doing better here

Use the telescope with the kid once. but now that it is dark at 5...

the backyard (nothing more needs to be said) - 1/2 done.

the kitchen (paint those cabinets and the walls) - guess what is going on the list for next year!

be better about money and really get a handle on the cash flow - out of credit card debt!

No more new TV Shows TiVoed!!!!! Big fail. Got addicted to a couple new things...damn the magic box

Less TV... less TV... less TV... more books - think the reading list will be better this year

the voice from above

Call from agent.

"What plays are you writing?"

I describe them.

"The 5 women one - comedy?"

Yes, but quirky, my reply.

"Send it to me ASAP. You're on my mind. I want to get you produced. ______ is looking for comedies."

Thanksgiving okay?

"Get it done."

Yes, ma'am.


Guess I know what I'm working on. Love those subtle kicks in the tuckus.

Juices

Hey there creative juices - where in the hell have you been the last 9 months? I loose my job in Feb... and have been waiting for you to arrive... I have done everything to get you to come play with me. And NOW you pay me a visit. I'm so pleased and honored to have you all here with me - but did all of you have to come at once?

I don't know which one of you to pay attention to first. I know I can't give you all the one-on-one time you deserve right now.

But, I promise that I will work with each of you - but ya gotta be patient.

One at a time kids.

Now, get in an orderly line in my brain and help me elect who goes first.

writing

A friend of mine is giving up the internet for a year.

I know.

Think about the implications of that.

But, then in dawned on me. 15 years ago, I lived in a different country with no computer and no cell phone. I had a scheduled time when I would go to a pay phone, call my parents collect, they would refuse the charges and then they would call me back. Depending on the name I used, they knew which public phone to call me back on. I would chat with them for about 20 minutes and that was it.

I became an avid letter writer. My mom, my friends, my grandparents, would all receive letters. One of my dearest friends would write to me every day, but only mail once a week. I did the same with her. The weekly deliciously large envelops were thrilling to receive. Like a Jane Austin heroine, I would take my mail, run to my room, lock the door and devour the read. We both used these yellow tablets that would fit beautifully (without having to fold) into a 6X9 envelop.

I had a ritual of sitting at my desk every night to compose a letter. I carried a notepad in my bag to record any silly thing that would happen during the day.

I still have all the letters my friend wrote me. My grandmother saved all the letters I sent her.

I kept a journal too. Since I didn't have a computer, it was hand written on school purchased notepads. I wrote incredibly small to save paper (I knew I would end up bringing these home with me).

I don't remember longing for more information. I don't remember ever feeling out of touch with anyone.

Now I spend so much time reading the "news feed" on facebook or playing inane games. It's a huge time suck.

picture

When I got home yesterday after thinking about family and I got a letter.
Grandma sent me a picture of her bald head. The chemotherapy has made her loose it. So I called her. She actually sounds great. HAs no appetite. So I told her, like a good granddaughter should, pot will cure that - it gives ya the munchies. She just laughed.
My uncle is there with her (and my grandpa) and he shaved his head too! Nice.

Family

I had a conversation with one of the maintenance guys today. He tends to check on our building when I have office hours.
We talked about Halloween and kids. He has a 4 month old grandson which he gets to watch 3-4 times a week. His face lit up when he talked about the time with the child.

I wish my family was closer.

The relationship I have with my grandparents is amazing. I want my daughter to have the same... but there is a minimum 2 hour drive to see any of them (and that's my sisters). My mom - in another state. Husbands parents - 4 hours away.

That family network would be nice...

people are strange

I wonder if in this day and age of blogging, of being able to "post a comment" on a news story and vent ones opinion is changing the way we talk to each other.

Two interesting things happened yesterday.

A student came into my office and said, 'I don't know what I should be learning from this class." After some discussion, it seems that he wasn't getting anything out of listening to other people's writing projects. He wasn't able to discern the good writing from the mediocre. I watched him that day and he only perked up and payed attention when his theatre friends read their projects. Ahh, the problem. He feels superior to people in the class... And what does it mean that students can't learn from each other? That they can't listen...

The second things happened after the show last night. I talked to a very nice man, playwright and director (probably in his 60s) who was from the same country in which the play is set. Nice comments, wanted me to use the chair playing space more... but other than that fine. The next guy, called to me by name (first name). Did I know him, no. He demanded to know why a character did what he did int he show - he felt there needed to be more urgency. Thanks, says I, and then I leave to do some notes. But the guys is still waiting for me. He has other "plausibility" issues with the play. His enthusiasm bordered on hostility with me (come to find out he asked the house manger where he could fine him, aka, the director, and demonstrated a great deal of shock at my gender). At one point he asked me "Is that what is happening inside the actor?" I said, "that's a question for the actor." Then in a high pitched shocked "j'accuse" voice he said, "but YOU"RE the director.". I said, "Yes I am, and that is what the actor and I discussed." And which point I was saved by a staff member.

The guy was still talking with his "date" outside the theatre when I left. I used the side door.

The man never introduced himself to me. Nor did he say anything positive about his experience (his pay-what-you-will expereince).

It made me remember another incident a few years ago, when, in a discussion with an audience, I said "my job is to just stay out of the way of the talent." It was a flip response, got a laugh as people knew that I was joking. But a patron wrote a letter to the artistic director telling him to come in and save my show becuase of that comment (my show was a huge success and the AD stayed the hell out of my way).

But what give people the right to just accost me (and I did feel accosted by this man) or any artist? I understand the need to express yourself and I am thrilled when I create art that can do just that. But the hostility? There is no place for that. Sure I have pissed many people off and have had numerous discussions - but always in a post-show format. I don't mind hostility (or is it passion) when it is in a safe venue to discuss it... but in the lobby after the show... what the hell is that about? And to lack all social skills, like an introduction?

What a roller coaster I have been on. People take things so literally. And those negative encounters tend to stick with you more than the positive ones.

I also had a women say she loved the show (the one going on now) and asked if I directed a certain show last season. Upon hearing that I had, she decided I was her new favorite director.

Guess which one I will remember more?

wow

A student just walked by my office and then doubled back.

She said I was inspiring becuase I am doing what she wants to do. and now she knows its possible.

That made my day.

inspired

Okay
So all it takes are two kicks in my ass on the same day to remind me why I like what I do.

1. A crazy honor being bestowed on me that reminds me that I have a great career
2. And interview where I discussed why what I do is important.

serendipity

Fate is bizarre.

Today I had dinner with an old friend who worked with me on a show 10 years ago as a dramaturg and then acted in the same show (updated) four years ago. The play was a show I had adapted from a book. Today, my book club met and we talked about that book.

When I adapted the book - there were many similarities between it (a classic from the early 1800s) and what was happening in technology today. Both times I did the show, huge medical advances were being made and publicized while the rehearsal process was underway -- all of which was woven into the show... I knew I was working on the right show.

Haven't had that feeling of knowing I was working on the right project in a long time.

first day

One of my friends recently went to be with her sister when her sister gave birth to her first child. It made me remember how my sister was in the room when I gave birth to my daughter. Just my husband and my sister. It is incredibly amazing how my daughter is completely enamored with my sis. She misses my sister and wants to see her all the time.

My daughter has been asking me to tell her stories of my childhood. I instantly tell stories of being at my grandparents in the summer. We had a family reunion a couple weeks ago and I did an oral history of my grandmother - it was incredibly fascinating. She reminded me that they (she and grandpa) used to watch me. Tales of me sleeping with them and keeping them up all night - I wouldn't sleep alone (just like my kid). My grandmother was with my mom when I was born. My dad? Well, he was in the Navy and it was during the Vietnam conflict, so I didn't meet him until I was almost 1.

Mom almost had me in the hallway at the hospital. My grandmother, who was a nurse and helped start pediatric wards, told the doctors that I was on my way and they chose to ignore her. So she started coaching my mom. When the doctor walked by - he realized he better get my mom in a room - and here I came.

So grandma and mom where the first voices I heard when I came into this world.

Those first voices are important and lasting. New studies have been popping up about how a child comes into the world. I am glad those two women where there when I got here. I am elated my sister and my husband welcomed my daughter with me. And I am thrilled for my friend for the bond she now has with her nephew.

haunted by the blank page

The blank page is terrifying. I have been reading some playwriting texts lately for a class I am teaching and I find it really amusing that a couple of these authors say that fear of the blank page is bullshit - that you should just be able to write. And if you write everyday it shouldn't be a problem.

Well, I disagree.

The blank page does offers an endless number of possibilities. But to fill it with just the right thing can be daunting. I don't like to write without a purpose. The fear of the page should be respected becuase it means that you don't want to just spew crap - that you take the art form seriously.

So fear of the blank page should be respected. It is natural.

How to get over it?
One of the techniques I have given my students is to think about what is important to them and write about that. Easier said than done. So, I give them a list of 28 questions that I got from a theatre practitioner that I respect... questions like:
What are the three most important issues facing the world today?
to
What are five flavors that give you pleasure to taste. (There is nothing like an ode to chocolate to inspire).

That seems to help.

Today I should follow my own advice and answer those questions myself.

haunted by wine

ahhhhh

Haunted

Today was a good day, but I didn't think it would be.

I had a rough go yesterday - tough rehearsal, feeling like a lousy artist & crappy mom.
I was also incredibly angry about everything - not a pity party so much as just anger at the universe. Perhaps a little pms (but I do so hate blaming hormones)

I am starting to realize that I am a little haunted by my past artistic life. I look at all these amazing pictures of the art I created prior to 2006. There was some amazing work - visual poetry on stage. Explorations into form and content. It wasn't easy to achieve that - but I had a dedicated group backing me up and occasionally fighting with me - but in a good way. Yes there was heart ache, yes there were times I really hated it but I had artistic freedom. We could try and do anything. It was encouraged. We could be adventurous. We could fail and it was okay.

I don't have it anymore - that kind of freedom. Really. I am working for others now - other artistic visions, adhering to other company missions. The assignments I have been given have all been main stream & realistic. Of course, I enjoy the work I do - the collaboration of it all - a new group of amazing artists - but I am not doing what I do best. I am not breaking form - in fact I am just perpetuating the type of theatre I used to challenge/deconstruct/etc.

Do I feel like a sell out? Occasionally, yes, I think I do. How do I justify it then, well - the work is intellectually satisfying. II have been given shows that "say" things - important things about the world we live in. It is not aesthetically pleasing, but at least I am still making people think. Its provocative.

So what do I do?

Hmmm.

There's the rub.

bravery

On Monday I had to assign my students scenes for their final. I asked them if they wanted to pick and they all said "no - you pick for us"

So I did.

To one pair I assigned the opening scene of a play about a woman who has lost her child. In the scene she is folding the boys cloths to send them off to the Salvation Army. Her sister is in the scene and needs to tell her she is pregnant.

My student, who is probably in her late 30s, came up to me and said, 'I lost my son three years ago." I immediately offered to change the script. She wanted to read the play anyway.

I sent her and her scene partner another script right after class.

I received an e-mail from her today saying that she wants to do the scene. She gets it and wants to do it.

That is bravery right there.

while the hubby is away

The husband gone for the week. He travels a lot, so we're used to it.

The kid and I fall into a bit of a different routine. It's not totally different from our regular routine. I will probably get her out of the house anywhere from 15mintues to 1/2 an hour earlier than I do when the spouse is home. Her pre-school is 20 minutes away. We pay for her to be there from 7:30am-1pm. We get her there usually at 9... But, when the husband isn't home, I like to take advantage of the 90 minutes. So, we'll leave the house around 8, instead of 8:30.

I also plan more activities. Perhaps it is just me not wanting to be just stuck in the house without another parent, but there will be more playdates and activities.

While the husband is away, we miss him terribly. But the re-entry is always tough - especially when he's gone for more than a couple days. As he likes to point out, I act as if he is in my way. And he's right. I'll get into a pattern and there is a little annoyance (which is not completely hidden) when that is interrupted.

books and bed

The bedtime routine with my daughter has altered lately.

At 7:30 she goes to Kiki's boutique to "buy" her Pjs. Yes, she gets her purse and fake money. Then she sees 'The fashion guru" aka the husband to show off the outfit.

The fashion guru takes her to brush her teeth, go potty, feed her fish, pick out three books for mommy to read, and mark the day off the calendar.

I read the books to her and together we turn off the light (leaving the fish tank on until I go to bed).

I then lay with her until she goes to sleep. A process that can take 15-45 minutes. A process that sometimes makes me fall asleep too.

Bet ya don't have to think to hard about the part I need to change.

calendar

My daughter and I have a routine at bedtime. We cross a day off the calendar.

Last night, she wanted to look at all the months coming up.

When we got to December, I said, "And there's mommy's birthday and then the fairies come and the Christmas."

And her little voice said, 'And then we die."

I stopped, looked at her and said, "Why do you think that?"

"There are no more days."

"Oh honey, in December we'll get another calendar that has the next year on it."

"Oh"

Wow.

librarys

Just spent an hour with a friend looking at her library. Amazing collections of books that need to be organized. Fun.

So why do we organize our books? why are certain titles okay for the livign room and others relegated to the bedroom?

I have fiction in the living room. Older books under glass. Non-fiction is all in my home office. I will admit that the home office library is very anal. I have a theatre section, a film section, a feminist section, history, religion, philosphy and science.
I have books based on certain research projects huddled together. It makes sense to me...

I have started organizing my daughter's library. She's four. Every three days or so, I put everything back. That way she (and I) can find what we're looking for.

Maybe I have just found a good outlet for my OCD.

take 2

Okay let's try NaBloPoMo again.

After I was off to a decent, okay five posts, start last month. everything seemed to hit the fan.

My sister got diagnosed with Guillain-Barre syndrome. A month later and she is doing better, still on the road to recovery, which will take some time. I am quite proud of her. She is working her ass off in physical therapy. I took her to her neuroligist on Monday and watch them basically shock her nerves to see if there was any improvement - and there was... Yippee...

Then the plague hit. Husband first, then child, then me. I got out of bed all of 2 hours and even then was barely conscience.

Then giving a final.

Then a TA who couldn't get her shit together to get me the 75 grades she was responsible for.

Then the e-mails from students who were not happy with their grades.

And all the while trying (in vain) to work on a script...

Oye...

Let's hope the theme ROUTINE is better than Heros... Although there are still many heros I wanted to talk about... perhaps I will just talk about their routine.

#5

Orderlies.

I got to the hospital today to see my sister. When I walked into the room, my mom and my older sister were changing the bed. Okay. Why? Because that is how they are.

The orderly walked into the room, a bit perplexed to find his job almost completed. He was quite amused at the site of these two women helping and the one woman (me) standing off to the side, least I get underfoot.

But it made me think... being an orderly has got to be incredibly difficult. One: They have horrific messes to clean up (with all kinds of bodily fluids involved). Two: They do have to deal with crazy families, like mine, under various stages of anxiety. Three: They have to deal with the hierarchy of hospitals (drs., etc).
I wonder if they have the weird hours...

#4

Yep two posts today - last night I got side tracked with a vomiting child and a sister in the hospital. Child doing better. Sister is not.

But I'm not in the mood to go into that. Maybe later.

Today's heroes are my dogs. They just know when everyone is sick, stressed, etc.. and are just the best.

#3 farmers

Today my heroes are farmers. I just bought 1/2 a cow. Yep - COW. I went to Morris Grass Fed and bought a heck of a lot of meat. I did not go out to meet the cow last month when we were invited for a tour - just didn't have the time, but I will next year.
So I picked up the cow (already butchered and put into convenient labeled portions) and drive it home and toss it in the freezer.

A women who was waiting with me said how great it was to get beef that was grass fed and organic. But most of all, to support local farmers.

So here's to local organic framers! And some incredibly yummy cow...

Actors

Today my heroes are actors.

Yes, actors.

But I don't want to write about their "process" or the art that they create - which can transport you to another place/time; give meaning to the unspeakable; inspire social change; uncover desires; and provoke you....

I want to write about the act of courage actors make every time they walk into an audition.

I sit on the other side of the table. When I am casting, I want everyone walking thru the door to be the right person for the job. I want to have many choices and I want everyone to be fabulous. I WANT to have a hard time making the final decision. Every audition is an opportunity to learn something new about the actor and the play. There are many of my counterparts who do not feel that way. They feel that the person coming through the door will only serve to show them what they don't want. They can be ungracious and downright rude to actors.

To walk into a room and give an audition requires bravery. Actors have no idea what the director wants to see, mainly because most of the time the director is learning the play as well and they don't know what they want to see. They don't know what happened in the room before they walked in (the rendition of 'Part of your world," five Bastard speeches, a spilt coffee, a nervous artistic director pushing their own agenda) - well, unless they eavesdrop - but that only adds to the pressure. Sure, there are ideas about how to "plan" your audition- textbooks that tell actors to make sure they audition at the end, so they are the last person the director sees, or first thing so they can set the bar and be on the director's mind all day. Those things don't work. Really.

Most auditions are cold reading. The actors reads it as they prepared it at home. Then the director either says, "thanks" and they're done -- which usually means "you don't get the role" OR the director will give them direction and have them do it again.

A lot of directors don't know how to talk to actors (i am sometimes guilty of this as well) and so the actor must try to decipher the director's intentions, ramblings, etc and make a bold choice during their next pass. First they have to get over the "yippee, they want me to try it again" jitters. And they may only get one more pass...

The actor will be asked to jump thru hoops in the 5 - 15 minutes he/she is in the room. Every actor hoop imaginable.

The actor may be doing all this with 2-10 people in the room. In some circumstances, the actor might not even know who the director is until they have done the first pass. God forbid the mistake the director for an intern (this has happened to me).

There is usually a reader, someone the actor has never met, that they now must play off of... if the reader is good, they play off of the actor. If the reader is bad - they give the actor nothing...

Everything is out there. They are asked to expose their core being and leave it open for introspection until the director is done examining it.

That is how you get a part.

Actors must also leave the world outside. If auditions are running 10, 15, 30 minutes late (and sometimes an hour) - the second they show their displeasure, they could loose the job. They have to be patient. Expect nothing and give everything.

It's a tough job.

It takes courage.

Hero defined

The NaBloPoMo theme this month is Heroes. So, in my quest to write more, and more often, I am accepting the challenge to write every day this month.

Hero definitions:
From Merriam-Webster
1 a: a mythological or legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability
b: an illustrious warrior
c: a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities
d: one that shows great courage
2 a: the principal male character in a literary or dramatic work
b: the central figure in an event, period, or movement

or from Dictionary.com

1. a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
2. a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal: He was a local hero when he saved the drowning child.
3. the principal male character in a story, play, film, etc.
4. Classical Mythology. a. a being of godlike prowess and beneficence who often came to be honored as a divinity.
b. (in the Homeric period) a warrior-chieftain of special strength, courage, or ability.
c. (in later antiquity) an immortal being; demigod.
5. hero sandwich.
6. the bread or roll used in making a hero sandwich


Today I have a group of heroes... my friends. Yep, I'm going to lump them together for today. Friends perform "heroic acts" -namely, in my case, dealing with my many neurosis. I recognize that I am sometimes a narcissistic talk-aholic with a propensity to interrupt others. Why my friends choose to deal with this - I may never know. But their act of kindness in dealing with me must be deemed Heroic.

I am also a classic flake. I tend to say , "sure I'll do that" and then I flake out at the last minute. I've been trying to get better about this (particularly now that I have a kid and she remembers when I say we're going to do something). But, sometimes I just wanna stay home (so antithetical to being a Sagittarius). The good thing, is that most of my friends, like to hang out...

I am a middle child and thus, Switzerland on many hot button topics. As I also work with actors and write, I do try to see things from various points of view, thus occasionally loosing my own in the process... this could lead to me giving contradictory statements (and advice).

My friends are heroes because without judgment they accept me for who I am. They call me on my shit (yep you do) and know that I will still love them after wards. They push me and challenge me. They have high expectations but also remind me that everyone is human and sometimes its okay to flake, sleep, and just not get something done.

But most importantly, all of my friends (and I am talking about my handful of friends not the "friends/acquaintances" on facebook) - are role models. They inspire me with their words and deeds. They constantly remind me how unique we all are and how utterly fascinating people can be. By the simple act of listening, they perform an amazing heroic deed - allowing people to be human.

There is more to say about the heroism of friends, but I have a whole month to cover it...

And as two of my friends have joined me on a diet today - we will not talk about the HERO as sandwich definition. No bread. That is what friends can do for each other...

that damn muse

First I must say, I have been more inspired to write this week than I have been for the last couple months. It is just really annoying that my best ideas seem to be hitting when I am in the car driving somewhere without the ability to just pull over and jot it down.

I just finished SNOW by Orhan Pamuk and now I'm re-reading Atwood's NEGOTIATING WITH THE DEAD... so the idea of a "writing life" has been walking with me.

REPRIEVED!

At the end of Three Penny Opera - mac sings "Reprieved" when he is let off the hook for all his crimes...

Today I went back to my old work since my hubby is designing the next show there - to have dinner with said husband and child. I got the scoop on all the stuff that has been going down.

I felt my blood pressure rise just hearing some of the stuff... and I thought "reprieved!" Think Raul Julia singing that word loudly with joy (and an accent on the ed to make it three syllables).

Yep - so so glad I'm gone. And the little carrot - not looking good to me at all. Nope, not in any way, shape or form...

My entire drive there I was thinking of all the things I should be doing and working on... and I think the last piece of me that was freaking out about not being officially attached to a actual organization has gone the way of the dodo...

ahh big sigh...

joy

is watching Freya disembowel the stuffed dragon she got for her birthday...

change

Sometimes change is not good.

Since I started teaching this quarter, we had to adjust the kid's dat care. So instead of going to pre-school 8:30-1pm five days a week - she was going 8:30am-1pm on MWF and noon-5:30 on TTHU. Well, the Tuesday/Thursday drop offs were at lunchtime. And the 9 times we did it, 6 times she had to be pulled off my body and once off of the husband's (resulting in two very emotionally wrecked parents going to teach). One would think we would learn our lesson after the first week- but we thought shes adjust. NOPE.

She would, however, have a great time playing on TTHU and hated to leave school when we picked her up. After lunch they would play outside for a 1/2 hour and then head back in for naptime. My kid doesn't nap. And she HATES resting.

But we decided that although our child is a rock star when it comes to being flexible, it was just too hard on everyone (especially her). When I told her teachers, they agreed.

So now our favorite babysitter is watching her on campus in the husband's/my office while I teach my class... and she is so much happier... and so am I.

where the heck is my brain?

I have been very very lazy about writing.

My brain has been at worK;
The class I am teaching has kicked my ass. In the analysis of my stress, I realize that i have been treating every lecture like a performance. Uh, not a good idea. I am a good lecturer. I just need to get over my damn self. I am also trying to pack WAY to much info into a lower division course. I need to take a frickin' chill pill...

But something interesting happened during the lecture yesterday. i was trying to point out what FANTASIA (yes the Disney film) is important. It is innovative. I found myself realizing that I want to blend new forms in my work and that Disney also faced an uphill battle with the press about accepting new conventions...

My brain has been in my uterus:
Why am I not getting preggers? I had a very expensive consult with a doctor in NY and now I have this overwhelming list of tests that need to be performed... I remember the days when I was so paranoid I'd get knocked up...
If we can get down to the root of the problem - I will be happy. Unexplained infertility is NOT an answer. So off I go to get proded...

My brain has been with my daughter:
Pure joy. Now if I can just get her away from the tv...

being led by one nostril

I popped into my old work on Monday. I am doing a contract from them this fall and i wanted to get more information about it.

And basically they were feeling me out about coming back... in a lesser position... but it would be less hours and less responsibility... and less money. It was not an offer. And there were many "well, if everything goes as planned with the budget." Yeah. I believe I have heard that song and dance before...

I said I would entertain the idea.

But, I'm not thinking about it now.

Nope.

Not.

love other bloggers

Check this out:
http://childillustration.blogspot.com/

great little house

In the past week, we have had many new visitors to our house. The husband and I go through various periods of house envy... buyer's remorse... etc. Lately, we have just been depressed that the house is too small and that we will not be able to move for at least 5 years in this economy...

The first wave of visitors was family. Husband's family who have BIG home, high income jobs, and impeccable taste. They loved our place.

Today a friend came by to snag some river rock from my yard (we're starting a new landscaping process). He thought the house was a "great little house."

You know what, it is.

rains and pours

I started teaching this week... technically it is part time (given the pay) but it is a job.

For the last two months it has been incredibly hard to be motivated to do anything - really.
I have been prepping for the class, reading books, etc. But now that the actual teaching has begun - I want to write. Which is what I SHOULD have been doing for the two months I was unemployed...

I wrote a little in that window. But didn't come near to completing any project.

Heavy sigh...

Okay. Tomorrow's lecture is short since I get to show film after film after short film.... yes!
Friday is about the play.

I have a deadline of giving a friend a new draft on Monday - so i need to kick my own ass...

Interview with the kid

My friend at Wannabe Hippie had this on her blog - so i thought I would be a copy cat!

So here is an little interview with my 3 1/2 year old. Please note that we did this right after dinner and she cleaned her plates so that she could see me do a happy dance.

1. What is something mommy always says to you?
"I love you”

2. What makes mommy happy?
I eat all my dinner.

3. What makes mommy sad?
If I don’t eat my dinner.

4. How does your mommy make you laugh?
By making funny faces

5. What did your mommy like to do when she was a child?
Play tap dance

6. How old is your mommy ?
16

7. How tall is your mommy ?
(using hand to measure, then confidently says) 5.

8. What is her favorite thing to watch on TV?
Me, actually. My favorite thing to watch a little mermaid.

9. What does your mommy do when you're not around?
Picks me up

10. If your mommy becomes famous, what will it be for?
Picking up her own child from school.

11. What is your mommy really good at?
Exercising and doing yoga

12. What is your mommy not very good at?
Doing very good tap dance

13. What does your mommy do for her job?
Goes to work…

14. What is your mommy 's favorite food?
chocolate

15. What makes you proud of your mommy?
Reading books and I can sit on your lap

16. If your mommy were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Elastagirl

17. What do you and your mommy do together?
We teach, I mean play and we bend.

18. How are you and your mommy the same?
By our hair long and that makes us a girl

19. How are you and your mommy different?
Your pants are too long and shirts too long

20. How do you know your mommy loves you?
By kissing me

21. What does your mommy like most about your daddy?
Marrying him

22. Where is your mommy 's favorite place to go?
To chocolate factory….

...She knows me pretty damn well.

thanks jack kerouac

Belief and Technique for Modern Prose, a list of thirty "essentials."

1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for your own joy
2. Submissive to everything, open, listening
3. Try never get drunk outside your own house
4. Be in love with your life
5. Something that you feel will find its own form
6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
7. Blow as deep as you want to blow
8. Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind
9. The unspeakable visions of the individual
10. No time for poetry but exactly what is
11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest
12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you
13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition
14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time
15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog
16. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
17. Write in recollection and amazement for yrself
18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
19. Accept loss forever
20. Believe in the holy contour of life
21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
22. Don't think of words when you stop but to see picture better
23. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning
24. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge
25. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it
26. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
27. In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness
28. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better
29. You're a Genius all the time
30. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven

the fates

So, i have been wondering what to do with my life. Seriously. With the recession - directing gigs have gone the way of the dodo.. I have spent the last month and 1/2 getting my website together (a new host and it will be done) and contacting everyone I know for work.

so - i have been putting it out there to the powers that be to show me the path...

Today I got an e-mail from the theatre that I am supposed to be directing for this fall... the rights to the play i am supposed to direct are not available - how about play __________. Well, __________ is a play I really cannot stomach. I find it dry, tedious and one of the reasons I hate theatre. Yep - one of those old staples that should remain in the community theatre circuit and NEVER go pro again... I almost burst into tears. Here is a gig that I know I have, because I am told the "slot" is mine. But a play I would rather not do...

So I drive to the theatre because my spouse is doing a show there and we're going to meet him for dinner.

On the drive I have an epiphany. Ive asked to be shown the path. And this is it -- gotta keep writing. Gotta get off my ass and write. The directing is just not going to cut it anymore...

I smile. i feel fine now.

I get there and my phone digs - got an e-mail. The AD says to forget it - the cast for __________ is too big. I e-mail him an idea for another play.

So - I needed to see the light. And because I accepted it - the fates are makign sure I don't go broke.
Thanks for that!

my visit to EDD

This is the first time in my life I have had to file unemployment.

So with my last Unemployment Check came a notice that I had to go to the EDD office for a meeting at 2pm today. Well, the husband is in tech in a different city and my baby sitters are all busy. Plus 2pm is the time all my Mom friends have to pick up their kids - so it is just oneof those impossible times...

So yesterday, I called and asked if I could be rescheduled. They said, "Oh just come in anytime tomorrow." GREAT!

I show up.

The women askes why I can't come at 2pm today. I said, childcare is an issue. She said, what if it was a job? I said, then I guess my husband would have to take her to work with him or I would have to pay someone to watch her. Well, she says, we need to know what you can make a job if it is offered to you. And I said, I was very responsible and called yesterday, spoke to someone in your office and was told I could "drop in" today. She said, well, they shouldn't have told you that. I said, well they did - do I know have to find a babysitter and come back at 2pm or what? She said, no.

She then made sure I filled everything in on Caljobs. Told me all the stuff I needed to know. Didn't really answer the questions I had, but that's okay. My big sister seems to know the the system really welll.

I chose not to mention that in my profession, you don't ever get called on the same day to go to a jobsite. I also chose not to mention that Caljobs is useless for me as employers in the arts don't use it...

ARG.

I start teaching in a couple weeks. Thank goodness.

hmmm

What should I be when I grow up?

Opening the Vault

I am teaching a class on Disney. Thus I have aquired numerous films to show in the class. The professor that orginiated the class lent me many. But I was shocked to see how many I had and then this weekend at my sisters - how many MORE they had.

Okay - so I own:

Every Pixar (save the sequls to To Story): Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo, Toy Story, Wall-E, A Bugs Life, CArs, incredibles, Ratatouille
then:
Pinocchio
Little Mermaid
Jungle Book
Rescuers
Rescuers down under
Artisocats
Mary Poppins
Mulan
Tinkerbell
Meet the Robinsons
The Lion King (VHS)
Fantasia (VHS - now broken)
Alladin (VHS)

from the other prof I borrowed:
Silly Symphonies
Snow White
Alice in Wonderland
Davy Crockett
Bambi
Dumbo
treasure Island
Fasntasia
Fantastia 2000

from my big sister:
Cinderella
Sleeping Beauty (taken from the bed-room of my 17 year old niece)

from my little sister:
Littel Mermaid II: Return to the Sea
Beauty and the Beast
Disney treasures: American Heros
Hercules
Peter Pan
20000 Leagues under the sea
The Black Cauldron
Teh Sword and the Stone
101 Dalmations
Pocahontas

Please note that my sisters DID have 80% of the same movies I do... plus they had many more films that I didn't borrow because I am not going to do them in my class - like Pirates,the 'Sing-Alongs" etc...

What does this mean?

And yes - the little child of mine saw the stacks of movies... Thank goodness she has school today and I have hidden them all... Although I did promise she could watch Cinderella....

Credit Card nightmares

So, I have been getting these automated calls on my account. The account that I PAID OFF IN FULL last December. I have been checking my on-line banking every month because I don't know when the service fees are due and I detest late payments.

So, I call them and talk to this guy. He says, Oh yes, I'll stop the calls, but you have $15 in late fees. WHHAA? Replies I.

45 minutes later it is resolved.

Sometime in December, an establishment that I used my card was hacked - thus compromising all the cards. The Credit Card company cancelled my account and issued me a new card. And they didn't tell me.

Last week I received a new card in the mail. I called, and they told me what had happened. Okay. I'll destroy the old card.

Then the calls started.

So what is this late fee? Well, it appears that on Dec 19th (two days after I paid off my card) Amazon (yes, Amazon) charged my card for the Amazon Prime ( the 2 day shipping thing) and never sent me a notice saying they were going to do so -- nor did they charge it to my default (aka ATM) card. Nice.

So once they told me what the fee was, of course I said I would pay it. But as for the late fees, and all the other BS - the Credit Card company needed to take care of that. The credit card company did not tell me on line, or thru an e-mail or thru anything other than mailing me a new card, that anything was wrong with my account AND my statements have all shown a zero balance since Dec. 17.

I talked to 6 different people - and apologized ahead of time that I was quite testy. Supervisors have their jobs for a reado - always talk to them.

The moral of the story. Cut up credit cards. And never sign up for a "yearly" thing.

the office clean up

So I have been unemployed for a month now. WOW. And I think I am finally getting my groove on. Today I finished re-arranging and re-organizing my home office. Tomorrow I am going to the Apple store to get my laptop up to snuff and perhaps get some additional storage for all the crazy photos, etc that seems to be eating all the memory my computer has to give.

I have hung new pictures (well, new to the house but old to my ex-office) and put a bunch of stuff into storage.

One last thing remains and maybe the kid will help me with it today -- CD organization. Yep its a bitch but it has to be done.

the crock pot

My new favorite thing is the crock pot. I have two. Yes, crazy I know. Last week I made Pork Shoulder - it was fantastic. Today, Pork loin. Strange that I keep putting pig in the pot.

My husband bought the new one. Its different from the one I had, which is older than me. It's oval, the old one is round. The old one has one setting now - on. IT's pretty old but I still love it. The new one has more buttons and is very pretty, sleek and modern on the counter.

I will never part with my old pot. But I will share the love with both of them.

overheard conversations

I was in the hospital laboratory today to get some blood drawn... no biggie - just one of those Day 21 tests to see what is happening to me hormonally during that time in my cycle. Gotta love being a girl.

Anyway - with the 45 minute wait and a little Umberto Eco to keep me occupied, I settled into my nice cozy chair next to a man I guessed was in his late 80s. I felt him sneak a peak at my book. He said nothing.

They called a name.

The woman sitting directly across from him said, "Wally, you're next."

The man said, "Now?"

She said, "No. You're next. I think. The man who was in line before me was just called."

"You coming with me?"

"No. You'll be fine." she said.

He grunted.

I got a good look at her. Obviously his wife, perhaps 8-9 years younger. Died dark hair, but a pleasantly warm disposition. There was nothing patronizing in the way she spoke to him.

She got up. She had this walker that could open up - revealing a pocket in which she had a newspaper. He made a motion to get up too. "Not yet, " she said, "I'm just stretching my legs."

He nodded.

Just the a cell phone went off. It was some 70s porn music. The fella whose phone it was -- 55ish male, no wedding ring- seemed a little embarrased when all the geriatrics looked at him. He avoided eye contact with me, as I tried not to giggle.

"Wally. Wally?" said the woman.

I looked at my seat mate - he was asleep. I looked at the woman. She just smiled at me and and shook her head. I smiled back. She looked at Wally with such love I almost wept.

When they called his name, he got up and went back. 'Here I go." he said.

A moment later a nurse came to talk to Mrs. Wally. "What's his birthday?" she asked (standard question when you sit down to give blood - guess that verifies your identity or something."

"October ??, 1921," she said.

"Thanks. He asked me to ask you." Said the nurse.

"Of course he did, " replied Mrs. Wally with a laugh in her voice.

Wally came out before I went in. The two, in their matching walkers, started towards the door.

"You okay?" she asked, unworried.

"Oh yes," he replied.

"Good," she said, 'lets go get breakfast."

And off they went.

favorite quote of the week

"Revulsion is good. Revulsion is healthy. Each of us has limits, unarticulated boundaries of taste and tolerance, and sometimes we forget where we are. Peep Land is here to remind us; a fixed compass point by which we can govern our private behavior. Because being grossed out is essential to the human experience; without a perceived depravity, we'd have nothing against which to gauge the advance or decline of culture - our art, our music, our cinema, our books. Without sleaze, the yardstick shrinks at both ends."

-Carl Hiaasen
TEAM RODENT

drama

I think I am just about done with high drama. YEp. Done with the high school-esque BS.

resolution check in

Will a little help from my friends, I think I am doing fairly well on the resolutions.

The one I forgot: write every day.

Today I am in my office, listening to the hail storm rage outside as my Kronos Quartet Pandora stations struggles to compete for my attention.

I finished prepping my taxes and got them off to our tax fella.

I have so many projects I just don't really know where to begin.

I read a script of a play that I might direct - the playwright wanted some feedback. It's good. I just know that in taking the gig - I'll get paid crap... But oh Well! It'sa gig right?

I want to write - but I am completely not sure where to start. Which project to pick up.

ARG

Re-entry

Well, I am doing better today. I was smelling mold in my home office and I FREAKED OUT because I have a pretty intense library in there. So, I spend a little over 2 hours cleaning my book cases and found one book with mold. It was just a spot on a theatre book - so I cut out the offending area. The husband says it looks like the book just got wet -- okay. But I wasn't going to let it take over... The surgical incision did not in any way shape or form damage the content of the book...

The taxes will be done today and so will my first round of filing for unemployment... got everything in the mail back from them...

unemployment

I am now officially unemployed. To quote Pooh, "I'm a little black rain cloud". I thought I would be okay - but I'm not really. I've never been laid-off. I've never filed for unemployment - which I did yesterday and it took me two hours. I have so many things that I know I could/should be doing. Writing projects - YEAH. Updating my website. But I'm a bit uninspired at the moment. It's only been three days - I guess I should cut myself some slack.

I have 4 hours every morning to myself while the kid is at day-care. She is no longer full time there. The last two days have been rough once I've picked her up. I'm feeling like a crappy parent. She wants to watch TV - I say No. And there is chaos. So today - after I pick her up - we're going to the park. And tomorrow we're going to the library.

I am currently working on the taxes. It's a huge ordeal for us. We have not just our W2 but a lot of 1099 work as well. We got seriously slammed last year and I have major fear of that again this year. I am still paying off last year... We made nice money - and we totally didn't spend it wisely. Where in the hell did it go? Now, I am a complete wreck about our finances. I think I am beyond stressed.... so I am going to spend the next couple days, taking deep breaths, and getting a firm hold of our financial picture.

Yes. That is what I will do.

positive discipline

I went to a lecture last night by Jane Nelsen, author of the positive discipline books. I had read the infant/toddler book when the kid turned one - and it was nice to have some of these things reiterated. Lately, with the impending stress of unemployment, I have been a little quick to temper in the daily power struggles with the kid and tend to be a bit of a drill sergeant about getting dressed, sitting at the table, etc.

some of the "tool kit" Nelsen provided:

kindness shows respect for the child

firmness shows respect for the situation.

connection before correction

hugs hugs hugs

positive time-outs -- creating a positive not punitive area for the time out area... rename it to "Cool off space" or "the feel good space"

understand age appropriateness

follow up with curiosity questions... (what were you trying to accomplish? How would you solve it?)

Children are always making decisions about... who they are, what the world is like, and what they need to survive and thrive.

supervision, supervision, supervision, re-direction, teaching w/o expecting understanding

show them what to do instead of what not to do

help children develop the perception "I am capable"

help children explore the consequences of their actions/choices

There were a couple things that came up that I admit I do all the time. I help the kid get dresses, it goes faster. She can dress herself, but I baby her. So, I am going to help her be capable of doing it.

I still carry her around (she's well over 3years and is 32lbs.) - so I'm going to let her walk more - get in her own car seat, etc. The spouse already does this - but I have not.

This morning there was a lot of whining. Instead of telling her to stop whining (which she does to excess nowadays) - I asked her why she was whining? The conversation was interesting. She just wanted my attention as I made breakfast. I told her that if she sat at the table we could talk while I cooked, instead of sitting in the living room watching morning TV (yes, she gets 1-2 PBS shows as we get ready for school...don't judge me!) It worked. We ate breakfast as a family - (we've been doing this at dinner, but breakfast has been more lax). She and I chatted while I cooked. It was lovely.

She also got dressed by herself this morning.

The thing that came up that makes me most sensitive is the whole TV thing. Yes, my kid watches TV. It's true. She has "shows" and "movies". The number of TV has remained consistent, and it is all commercial free (thank god) - and educational. I do what the infamous "they" say to do when your kids watches TV -- engage with them and ask questions.... Thanks to Sid the Science Kid, my girl brushes her teeth twice a day without argument because she learned about cavities.

But the list of movies has gotten larger and larger. Many of my gal pals let their kids watch one movie on the weekends - that's it. I applaud that. That is going to be my goal. Although we strive to never let her watch a movie on a week-night, the two week school vacation thwarted all that...

so to add to the resolution list: less TV for the Kid (and the mommy).

short timers

I have a horrific case of short-timer's disease.
I'm being "let-go" in three weeks. There is no money for my position...
There are a lot of things I need to finish up.
But today - I am planning to take home 1/4 of my office things. So that by my last day - I have nothing personal left in the office.

dieting

The husband and I are on a diet. Yeah, who isn't after the first of the year? But we're doing good. We're South Beaching. Yep - the two week induction is a bitch. He got to cheat on New Years Eve since he was working at a swanky party. And I had a glass of $250 Port that was offered to me a a party Friday night. Like I was going to pass that up! But we have been doing great considering all the temptations that have come in front of us.

One week from tomorrow and we get whole grains and fruit again and it will be glorious!

New Years Resolutions

In no particular order:


Finish the two big writing projects that I have on my desk.

Eat better, feed the family better food

make a fantastic cake

exercise (of course...)

walk the dogs more

Take a vacation with the husband and the kid

have at least one DATE a month with the husband - that does NOT involve an opening night or theatre or work

Spend more time with Friends

Use the telescope with the kid

the backyard (nothing more needs to be said)

the kitchen (paint those cabinets and the walls)

be better about money and really get a handle on the cash flow

No more new TV Shows TiVoed!!!!!

Less TV... less TV... less TV... more books

End of the year wrap up

So 2008 was a most unpleasant year. With My dad having a stroke, a tree falling in our yard, finding out that I'm going to be unemployed at the end of Jan.... the list goes on and on...

But - the kid is amazing. My friends rock. And the husband is fantastic.

The book club is still plugging along and I was able to read some really phenomenal books this year - a lot of things I would not have read if it weren't for the fabulous women in my group...

So here's my list!

Books
War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy (started in 2007)
The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Graham
Out Stealing Horses by Per Petterson
Options by the Fake Steve Jobs
Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch By Neil
Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
I am America (and So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert
The Road by Cormac McCarthy
Perfect Madness by Judith Warner
The Three Martini Playdate by Christie Mellor
The Letters of Claire Clairmont
The Golden Compass by Phillip Pullman
Love in the Time of Cholera, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Night by Elie Wiesel
The White Castle by Orhan Pamuk
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
The Speed of Dark by Elizabeth Moon
The Beekeeper’s Apprentice by Laurie King
Interred In Their Bones by Jennifer Lee Carrell
Reduced Shakespeare: The Attention-Impaired Reader's Guide to the World's Best
Playwright [Abridged] by Reed Martin & Austin Tichneor
House of Mondavi by Julia Flynn Siler
Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver
The Universe in a Single Atom by His Holiness the Dali Lama
Siddhartha by Herman Hesse
The Omnivore’s Dilemma by Michael Pollan
Picasso’s Guernica by Anthony Blunt
Pablo Picasso by Mary Ann Caws
Picasso’s Weeping Woman by Mary Ann Caws
Picasso In the War Years by Stephen Nash, Editor

The highlight of my movie viewings this year was that on our 10th wedding anniversary, the husband and I took the kid to see Wall-E. It was the best romantic film of the year.

Films
The Good German (DVD)
The Simpsons Movie (DVD)
Fast Food Nation (HBO)
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (DVD)
Eastern Promises (DVD)
Curious George (HBO) (many many many viewings)
Futurama: Bender’s Big Score (DVD)
Babel (DVD)
Evan Almighty (DVD)
Eragorn (HBO)
Oceans Thirteen (DVD)
The DiVinci Code (DVD)
Juno (airplane)
The Savages (airplane)
The Third Man (DVD)
No Country For Old Men (DVD)
The Bourne Ultimatum (DVD)
Live Free and Die Hard (DVD) – okay I slept through the beginning,,, so I guess it doesn’t count.
Blades of Glory (HBO) – saw the end first…
Sweeny Todd (DVD)
A Good Year (HBO)
This Film is Not Yet Rated (DVD)
Meet the Robinsons (DVD)
The Aristocats (DVD) – reALLY I HAD NEVER SEEN IT
Knocked Up (HBO)
Recount (HBO)
Indian Jones and the Crystal Skull – in the theatre
The Departed (Blueray)
Music & Lyrics (Blueray)
National Treasure 2 :Book of Secrets (DVD)
Jesus Camp (DVD) --- didn’t make it thru – had enough
Hairspray (HBO)
A Night at the Museum (HBO)
300 (HBO)
Dan in Real Life (Blueray)
Ready? OK! - in the theatre
The Darjeeling Limited (DVD)
Persepolis (DVD)
Wall-E - in the Theatre!!!
The Will Be Blood (DVD)
3:10 to Yuma (DVD)
Searching for Deborah Winger (DVD)
La Vie en Rose (DVD)
Shoot ‘em up (DVD) –okay I missed the first 20 minutes and the husband brought me up to speed
Hellboy 2 (DVD)
Tinkerbell (DVD) – oh so many times
Get Smart (DVD)
Hancock (DVD)
Mr. Magoriums Magical Emporium (HBO)
Flushed Away (HBO)
Trifels (screening at Pixar)
Picasso : Sex, Magic, Death
The Mystery of Picasso
Burn After Reading (DVD)
The Mummy 3 (DVD)
Stardust (DVD)

facebook

I just realized that Facebook has been sucking me away from my blogs. Not just this one, but the one I have for my kid too... Okay and my own laziness. But the distraction of Facebook is really intense. I find myself checking it all the time - and now that people use it to e-mail me as well - it makes a fourth e-mail account I have to check.
ARG.

But something interesting happened yesterday. I have a bunch of "friends" on FB - a lot of them are people that I've done shows with, etc. My high school boyfriend "friended" me about a month ago. Okay. Whatever. Well, his wife "friended" me today. I have met her once about 8 years ago (which was the last time I saw the old boyfriend). So, what is that about? I am tempted to form some interesting theories about why she wants to be my "friend" - but she only looks good in one scenario. Perhaps I will use the good one...

My spouse is also on Facebook - and I have no clue who some of his friends are - and frankly, I don't want to be "friends" with everyone he is "friends" with.

Anyway - I'm cutting down on my FB time.

its interesting what comes out

Warning: stream of consciousness ahead:

I had my book club last night. We read Michael Pollan's THE OMNIVORE'S DILEMMA. I was really surprised by what came out of my mouth during the discussion. Obviously the food I give my child has been on my mind a lot lately. My husband and I could both loose a few pounds and I want to set up healthy eating practices for my child. But the force in which these things have been eating away at my subconscious surprised me last night. As one of my friends put it - this book came at just the right time for me.

Now, I am not talking becoming a vegetarian again... when I had the realization that I could kill, clean and eat a chicken (thanks Gramps for doing a demo your farm when I was 8) I knew that that wouldn't happen. I just want the best possible food for my family. I want food (in the words of Fight Club) that is clean. I didn't know that cows don't eat grass anymore. They eat corn. Thanks to FAST FOOD NATION I don't think I could eat a fast-food burger knowing what the government allows an okay manure level to be.

I realized that this has been building because of the company I keep. My "Mommies" (friends from the mom group) try to eat organic, watch what food is put on their tables, cook amazing food, have sustainable gardens and do all that within strict budgets.

I was raised on Swansons, Mama Celeste, Fruity Pebbles and fast food. My mom is an excellent cook, but my mom also raised three kids on her own and didn't have time. I don't blame her for my belief that all fish tastes like fish-sticks. I blame the system that makes crappy foods cheaper than healthy foods. So infuriating.

But I also realize that this has been building because I am watching my little sister battle a weight problem. She used to be 100lbs (and 5'7") - obviously super-model skinny. Now she has gotta be 180lbs. She's trying, but with some medical complications, and stress, and a new culture infusing her home, and an over 30 year old metabolism -- how she stayed so thin before is not working now. I talk with her about nutrition and then go to a party at her house where the food (albeit super yummy - she is an awesome cook) can clog arteries just by looking at it. When she told me she only drinks whole milk I damn near fell over. Now, she is working hard on the problem, which is now a health issue. But I am really worried.

Something happened to me last week. I decided not to go to Safeway. I realized that they didn't have what I wanted: whole wheat pasta, dried mango (without sugar). So I went to the community market and found what I was looking for. I am of course worried that I am now going to be spending more money - but one of my friends said to me last night that she took her regular shopping list (and she normally shops at New Leaf) and went to Safeway - and spent about the same amount of money.

I need to track this for myself.

The other thing I talked about was food waste. I am horrified by the amount of food I throw away. Yes a compost heap is on the way. But still... FIVE avocados tossed in the trash? I realized that we buy in bulk and only once a week and things go off. All the good intentions I have about making lunch and bringing it to work go the way of the dodo when I am confronted with dining out for lunch... And now with the prospect of being unemployed in a couple months - I need to be watching the $$$.

So what do I do?

I think the Europeans have a great idea. Lots of small trips to the store, to buy fresh meat and produce. Yes, this will e a big pain in the ass since the husband and I both work. But why not try it. And make eating an event. The rush to get back to the TV or the computer has to stop. Gobbling dinner is not good for you. hen the husband and I eat out, we don't care how long it takes (unless we have plans after) why can't we have that same attitude at home and savor the food.

Also - what about creating a weekly menu? When we did the South Beach years ago, we followed that and did really well. Perhaps that is the type of regime I/we need.

For some of my friends eating is a political act. I'm not quite there yet. Right now it is about eating food that is delicious and healthy. Its is developing habits for my child that will give her joy in dining and a positive self image and a healthy life.

Enough for now. Polls have closed in Ind, KY and NH. Gotta watch.

where have I been

Wow - I haven't posted in a while. Well, life has been crazy.
I went into rehearsal at the same time the spouse was doing a show out of town. Then he went out of town again to go into tech at the same time I went into tech on my show. Besides trying to be present for my actors, make sure the kid was okay, and go thru a doggie surgery (she's fine) - it was a bit stressful.

Now the thing I have been avoiding for the last two months is on the forefront of my mind. My day job rests in the hands of a couple foundations. Now, normally I'd say - oh there's a great chance my position will continue to be funded. But with the current economic climate... most bets are off.

So I now get to set some priorities. My web page & sending my resume out into the world.

Anyone need a director?

The end of days....

I am not one to embrace prophecies about the end of the world... but... today...


So the kid and I went into Kmart. I wanted to get her a new toothbrush and they have them super cheap there. So we walk in and I put her in a cart. She says, "Mommy I want a blue cart". I said, "the carts are red." She said, "over there! I want a blue one." I looked and sure enough - blue carts. At Safeway and Home Depot she rides in those toy car carts... So we went over and I put her in. It was only at that moment I discovered, to my horror, that they are TV CARTS.






Yep. The kid has a TV in the cart with them - they can watch a Dora, Backyardigans (sp?) or Wonderpets. "F**K" says I as I am now committed to pushing her around in this abomination. The screen above intermittently plays advertisements. And plays them LOUDLY. The ads - for hair and relaxation something - seemed geared towards women. I tried to figure out what triggers the ad - I think it played every time I stopped for more than three minutes.

So what should have been a 5 minute excursion - turned into a 23 minute one as I had to let the entire episode play... otherwise there would have been screaming. In retrospect - I should have just let the screaming happen.

I guess soon we will find out if Androids dream of electric sheep...

Amazon's selections

So when you sign on to Amazon - you get your home page - which they tell ya to get a little something off your wish list or make recommendations based on your last couple purchases. Now, I have two wish lists - one for me and one for the kid. I recently added a bunch of books and toys to her list. I also just bought the DVD of THE SWARM for work - research on a show.

So underneath the "Get yourself a little something" which was compelety filled with stuff from my daughter's list (groovy girls and OZ books) it had "More to explore" which was all horror movies - and I mean the really scary ones from the late 70s early 80s... the ones that caused nightmares in me as a kid...

And you should see the combination of stuff that comes up when I hit "my amazon".

Makes me giggle.

Gloria Steinem article

She’s Phyllis Schlafly, Only Younger
by Gloria Steinem

September 4, 2008

Here’s the good news: Women have become so politically powerful that even the anti-feminist right wing—the folks with a headlock on the Republican Party—are trying to appease the gender gap with a first-ever female vice president. We owe this to women— and to many men too—who have picketed, gone on hunger strikes or confronted violence at the polls so women can vote. We owe it to Shirley Chisholm, who first took the “white-male-only” sign off the White House, and to Hillary Rodham Clinton, who hung in there through ridicule and misogyny to win 18 million voters.

But here is even better news: It won’t work. This isn’t the first time a boss has picked an unqualified woman just because she agrees with him and opposes everything most other women want and need. Feminism has never been about getting a job for one woman. It’s about making life more fair for women everywhere. It’s not about a piece of the existing pie; there are too many of us for that. It’s about baking a new pie.

Selecting Sarah Palin, who was touted all summer by Rush Limbaugh, is no way to attract most women, including die-hard Clinton supporters. Palin shares nothing but a chromosome with Clinton. Her down-home, divisive and deceptive speech did nothing to cosmetize a Republican convention that has more than twice as many male delegates as female, a presidential candidate owned and operated by the right wing and a platform that opposes pretty much everything Clinton’s candidacy stood for—and that Barack Obama’s still does. To vote in protest for McCain/Palin would be like saying, “Somebody stole my shoes, so I’ll amputate my legs.”

This is not to beat up on Palin. I defend her right to be wrong, even on issues that matter most to me. I regret that people say she can’t do the job because she has children in need of care, especially if they wouldn’t say the same about a father. I get no pleasure from imagining her in the spotlight on national and foreign policy issues about which she has zero background, with one month to learn to compete with Senator Joe Biden’s 37 years’ experience.

Palin has been honest about what she doesn’t know. When asked last month about the vice presidency, she said, “I still can’t answer that question until someone answers for me: What is it exactly that the VP does every day?” When asked about Iraq, she said, “I haven’t really focused much on the war in Iraq.”

She was elected governor largely because the incumbent was unpopular, and she’s won over Alaskans mostly by using unprecedented oil wealth to give a $1,200 rebate to every resident. Now she is being praised by McCain’s campaign as a tax cutter, despite the fact that Alaska has no state income or sales tax. Perhaps McCain has opposed affirmative action for so long that he doesn’t know it’s about inviting more people to meet standards, not lowering them. Or perhaps McCain is following the Bush administration habit, as in the Justice Department, of putting a job candidate’s views on “God, guns and gays” ahead of competence. The difference is that McCain is filling a job one 72-year-old heartbeat away from the presidency.

So let’s be clear: The culprit is John McCain. He may have chosen Palin out of change-envy, or a belief that women can’t tell the difference between form and content, but the main motive was to please right-wing ideologues; the same ones who nixed anyone who is now or ever has been a supporter of reproductive freedom. If that were not the case, McCain could have chosen a woman who knows what a vice president does and who has thought about Iraq; someone like Texas Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison or Senator Olympia Snowe of Maine. McCain could have taken a baby step away from right-wing patriarchs who determine his actions, right down to opposing the Violence Against Women Act.

Palin’s value to those patriarchs is clear: She opposes just about every issue that women support by a majority or plurality. She believes that creationism should be taught in public schools but disbelieves global warming; she opposes gun control but supports government control of women’s wombs; she opposes stem cell research but approves “abstinence-only” programs, which increase unwanted births, sexually transmitted diseases and abortions; she tried to use taxpayers’ millions for a state program to shoot wolves from the air but didn’t spend enough money to fix a state school system with the lowest high-school graduation rate in the nation; she runs with a candidate who opposes the Fair Pay Act but she supports $500 million in subsidies for a natural gas pipeline across Alaska; she supports drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve, though even McCain has opted for the lesser evil of offshore drilling. She is Phyllis Schlafly, only younger.

I don’t doubt her sincerity. As a lifetime member of the National Rifle Association, she doesn’t just support killing animals from helicopters, she does it herself. She doesn’t just talk about increasing the use of fossil fuels but puts a coal-burning power plant in her own small town. She doesn’t just echo McCain’s pledge to criminalize abortion by overturning Roe vs. Wade, she says that if one of her daughters were impregnated by rape or incest, she should bear the child. She not only opposes reproductive freedom as a human right but implies that it dictates abortion, without saying that it also protects the right to have a child.

So far, the major new McCain supporter that Palin has attracted is James Dobson of Focus on the Family. Of course, for Dobson, “women are merely waiting for their husbands to assume leadership,” so he may be voting for Palin’s husband.

Being a hope-a-holic, however, I can see two long-term bipartisan gains from this contest.

Republicans may learn they can’t appeal to right-wing patriarchs and most women at the same time. A loss in November could cause the centrist majority of Republicans to take back their party, which was the first to support the Equal Rights Amendment and should be the last to want to invite government into the wombs of women.

And American women, more of whom may suffer because of having two full-time jobs than from any other single injustice, finally have support on a national stage from male leaders who know that women can’t be equal outside the home until men are equal in it. Barack Obama and Joe Biden are campaigning on their belief that men should be, can be and want to be at home for their children.

This could be huge.


This commentary was first published in the Los Angeles Times.

still damp

Thanks everyone for your wonderful avengeful messages. I'm fine. I was just flying high with something and then had to compromise it for stupid reasons.

Just another thing this week to make me REALLY REALLY happy I did not get the job.

Anyway. It's been a tiring week. No day care this week and both the husband and I have had a lot of work to do. He hasn't been getting home until midnight - so we've been staying up late. And then getting up early. He leaves on Saturday for 10 days. So things are a bit cray around these parts...

rain

Someone has rained on my parade and I am livid!

I hate people.

c'est la vie

This last couple weeks as been edifying - if nothing else...

It started with a beautiful wedding. Nothing like seeing two people in love get married.

Next was the birthday. The kid turned three. She was thrilled it was her birthday. Thrilled to see her friends and thrilled to eat a cupcake. The happiness that beams from a child's face when everyone sings happy birthday" and then they get to blow out a candle - is true beauty. We had the party in the middle of the week at the aquarium. Lots of fun and no mess at home to clean up!

The birthday was followed by an announcement that I didn't get the job (aka a promotion) at work. I've known for a couple weeks - but haven't been able to say anything to anyone about it (except the hubby). Today, after the announcement, one of my co-workers came into my office and told me how upset his entire department was that I didn't get the job. That made me feel that I have been doing something right.

But I need to talk about the relief that hit me when I found out I didn't get it. The whole interview process made me really analyze why I am in this field: What kind of art inspires me: what gets me passionate: and what is really important. Whereas the job would have doubled my income (yup). I think I would have ultimately been miserable. I would have had to compromise my aesthetic. It would have been a true Faustian bargain.

I realized that I didn't get angry about not getting the job until a co-worker (female, 50+, no kids) said, "Well, you're still a new mom so its probably for the best." Losing a job to a middle-aged white man (the second time in two years I might add) and being the only female candidate (the job I applied for last year I was the only woman) and the youngest - has gotten my feminist ruffled. This woman thought she was making me feel better. It didn't.

Yes, I'm happy I wont have to spend 60 hours at work (as opposed to the 40+ I do now) and yea, we want to have another baby and the job probably would have been more difficult with that going on -- but because I am a mother should have nothing to do with it. And would she have said that to a man?

But this is a bigger issue. Why was I the only women (out of 5 people) interviewed for the job? I know they had a lot of applicants and then a list of 12, then 5, then the final three... And I believe (thought I haven't seen the list) that I was the only woman when it was narrowed to 12. Are there really no other qualified women? I find that INCREDIBLY hard to believe.

i'm a little uppity

So should I get on my feminist high horse about the Olympics?

I have been fuming for days that they only showed the winning point in the women's saber - and they only did that becuase the US took all thress medals. Do they not want to show women fighting with swords? Girls kick ass - can't we see that?

The numerous women's beach volleyball games are shown - yes they're amazing to watch, but also in bikinis.

They didn't show women's swimming because men's gymnastics was so intense - but then last night they cut away from the VERY intense women's gymnastic team to show men's swimming. Hmmm. I guess Michael Phelps is what the viewers want to see - and yeah - he's amazing. I want to watch him swim. But, some of our other athletes are amazing too... and shouldn't we be able to see some of these other counties earn gold? We're so American and China centered... if there is another country doing well - we don't seem to talk about it.

Thanks NY Times for showing pictures (at least) of the other athletes from other countries who are the top in their field. And keeping us updated on the other events taking place. Didn't realize that there were some Equestrian events already and rowing... and archery... and... and....

reality check

We dropped some money and got iphones - yeah we did. Our phones were old. We need to have remote access to our calendars and e-mail... plus we did wait until the second generation came out.

I went to the break room today to get some water cooler water. One of the young women who just recently joined the development team was in there making her lunch. She took two hamburger buns our of the "free" bag (they were left overs from the company picnic). As I microwaved my water, I watched as she put mustard on the buns and then slices of cheese (the Kraft singles), which were also left over from the picnic. That was it. That was her lunch.

I walked back to my office and drank my tea remembering the days of Ramen and grilled cheese.

manual labor

I just did 90 minutes of gardening and I feel great. I just couldn't take our lack of curb appeal any longer...

Now I need to finish reading the book club book.... 200 pages to go... wish me luck.

itch

I am so stressed I am itching... this job BS needs to be over soon.

"Hurry up and wait" is now turning into mental cruelty.

my latest addiction

The husband is working late - he's in tech.

So I have been watching House Hunters, followed by House Hunters International for a week now.

Someone stop me.

At least tonight I had a glass of wine.

The Potlatch Effect

So, I have been reading this book. And there is this section about "why we are good". One of the theories had me supressing an uncomfortable giggle.

"Altruistic giving may be an advertisement of dominance or superiority".

This made me think about people I know who tend to give random gifts for no apparent reason. I always feel a little bit guilty about not being able to afford to give them a gift back. I always wonder - "do they feel they need to buy my friendship?" or "do I need to buy them something too?"

I wonder if it is subconscious - their need to feel some kind of dominance... hmmm...

Now - I'm all for a nice card, flowers, etc. But those are usually for an occasion - get well, birthday, mother's day, get out of your funk, thank you, congratulations, new jobs, new babies, you rock, apologies. And yes - the occasional "I was thinking about you and thought you would like this" is fine.

A bottle of wine for doing a huge favor gets big points in my book. But showing up to see someone and they have a gift for you (for no reason) is just socially awkward.

Also, if they pick up the check too many times... I have to wonder "are they keeping score?" Should I start carrying around a notebook so I know how many times they buy? Will this be used against me later?

Then I thought (here comes the uncomfortable giggle) - have I done that?

banana bread

The kid and I made banana bread tonight. we wont get to sample it until morning. It bake while she took her bath and I took it out of the oven in between Curious George stories (I had to read three tonight). So - let's hope the boy dog doesn't eat this loaf before we get a chance to try it...

pancakes and latte

Every Saturday morning we (me and the kid) make pancakes. She mixes the dry ingredients - I do the wet. Then she watches me put them on the griddle and flip them. I had been using a recipe from THE JOY OF COOKING. Pretty standard. But in my quest to make things a bit more healthy I have started changing the recipe around a bit. My inspiration has been coming from my gal pals who have wonderful culinary expertise...

The Recipe from JOY
1 1/2 cup flour
3 tbs sugar
1 1/2 tsp baking power
1/2 tsp salt

3 tbs butter
1 1/2 cup milk
2 eggs
1/2 tsp vanilla

My modified version:
3/4 cup flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1/4 cup flax seed
1 1/2 tsp baking power
1/2 salt
cinnamon (I let the kid handle this - sometimes its really cinnamon-y - like a big tablespoon)
1/4 tsp cloves
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp ginger
same wet ingredients as above.

She gets a nice cup of chocolate milk (aka Ovaltine) and I enjoy a latte. Yep I have finally (after 7 months) figured out my espresso machine. I was putting in too much coffee...

more animal encounters

Today I saw this in my patio. So, I looked up Dragonfly in one of my books...

There is a legend that a dragonfly was once a dragon. Coyote tricked Dragon by having him showing its art of magic and illusion by changing form - into a Dragonfly. By showing off his power, Dragon lost it.

"Dragonfly is the essence of the winds of change, the messages of wisdom and enlightenment, and communications from the elemental world."
It goes on to say...
"...it may be time to break down the illusions you have held hat restrict your actions or ideas..."

hmm...

riding the wind of change and other cliches that seem to work for me today

Things change.
We all evolve.
Re-birth is important.
Out with the old and in with the new.
the more things change the more they stay the same
money can't buy happiness

ya whatever

and we saw...

...this as we were driving home today. There are mountain lion warnings all over the campus. I saw a mountain lion last year. But this is a bobcat. It was a BIG one too. I saw it walk across the road - no one was behind me, so I slowed down and let the hubby and the kid get a peak.
It was beautiful.

I didn't take this picture... thanks to the University for having this on their site...

refried beans

When I was a single gal - I would sometimes for dinner have chips, refried beans, salsa and sour cream. Now the beans we cooked with a lot of cheese. Oh and I always used (and still use) Rosarita's Vegetarian Refried Beans.

Tonight the kid and I met the husband on his dinner break and went to our favorite Mexican joint. Mexican food (good mexican food) is hard to find in this city. Since we lived near he border for so long - I have very strong feelings about which restaurants we can go to. So I was pleased when we discovered the little hole in the wall.
I had some enchiladas - yummy. Beans on the side. They were so good - and yes - I know they use lard. But once in a while ya just gotta a go for it... and man oh man was it tasty.

I've started making chicken fajitas at home. We've found some pretty yummy whole wheat tortillas. Nothing beats a hand made corn tortilla though... but when you're trying to be healthy (which occasionally we do) - its better to have the whole grains in the house. With the fajitas - refried beans, sour cream, salsa and avocado...

sugar

We've been big advocates of the South Beach diet. But the big problem has been sugar. South Beach has you use Splenda for all sweetening needs. I have never been able to use Sweet and Low and those other artificial sweeteners. You can just taste the chemicals.

So - I get cutting down on the sugar intake. But, I don't think a little pure cane sugar is bad. It is probably better for you than the artificial stuff. Right?

Maybe its because I hang out with some gals who grow their own food, and go organic... but I am worried about the amount of fake food out there - additives and other "stuff" in food.

So I have started reading labels.

It's eye opening and a good thing.

drinking and the dentist

I went to the dentist this morning to fill a cavity. After a shot of Novocaine, he began drilling. I almost immediately screamed in pain. Yep, I needed another shot. And even after #2 I could still feel it. Anyway - Shot #2 numbed my tongue and lips for about 4 hours. It made drinking and eating so much fun. Drinking was the best - since I couldn't tell where the liquid was...

salsa

I went to see my sisters on Saturday. My older sister and I took our kids to the water park and then we were invited to my little sister's house for lunch. Little sister made burgers and hotdogs. But then there was this large vat of salsa. She married a man from Mexico a couple years ago and since then has been cooking Mexican food. This salsa was fantastic - made from scratch. I ate so much of it that she offered to send some home with me - I said - yes. It was gone by Sunday. She should sell that salsa - she'd make a lot of money. I'm now addicted to it.

meat

Okay. Meat. Cooking it.

I have a fear of undercooked meats. Thus, I tend to overcook things to the point of dryness. I am working on this phobia. I am.

The pork chops I made the other night in the broiler looked a little pink - so I kept them in a minute longer - only to have them overcook while they "rested."

I remember a Christmas get-together at my grandmother's. She made chicken. It was NOT cooked all the way. My mother said "just eat it" - I looked at her like she was from outerspace and showed her the breast. She immediately took it away.

That was the first step towards becoming a vegetarian (which I was for about three years). But the rawness of the meat really made me ill.. okay thinking about it is making me feel ill too... excuse me a minute...

okay

My mother cooked red meat until it was more than "done done." Since hooking up with the husband (14 years ago) I have now acquired a taste for "medium well" and sometimes "medium" whereas he lives in the world of "medium rare". The kid - she's her father's daughter. I never knew meat could be moist and at time be as melty as butter.
I also thought, as a kid, that all fish tasted like fish sticks.

So - I tend to leave the meat (beef and fish) to the husband to cook. I can handle the poultry and am working towards keeping it moist.

The last 10 years (since getting hitched to the fella) has been spent expanding my culinary repertoire. I am now more adventurous and actually know what foie gras is! Thanks Top Chef and Food TV.

I order Pho with rare steak on the side and cook it myself in the broth. yummmy.

Sushi doesn't count. I have no problems with raw fish...

Damn it.

Now I'm hungry.

pizza

Pizza is my downfall...
I love it.
but I always feel really gross after eating it.

food

Looks like the topic for the month is food...

today I spoke at a men;s club which is part of a retirement community.

I was the guest for the luncheon.

Lunch was a beef patty-like thing. With a rich sauce on it and canned mushrooms. On the side was over cooked steamed veggies and a scoop of mashed potatoes.

The man to my right commented on how fabulous the food was.

I just nodded.

It's a good thing I'm not a vegetarian.

They were all worried that I didn't touch my apple pie.